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Contributor
Benji71306
Posts: 6
Registered: ‎01-10-2009

Part of a story. Would you read this? Tell me what you think.

 

Some two hundred years ago, when the city was but a small settlement, a mysterious man came here and bought a plot of land to settle himself from his constant wanderings.  After securing the deed from the small city hall he contracted a local building company and started the construction immediately.

Mysterious was not the proper term for this man:  strange, weird.  Everyone who met him got an uneasy felling from him and consequently stayed away; not only from him, but his family as well-who he had brought in after completion-and the house itself.  As a result he made no friends and only dealt with the acquisition of supplies from the general store and he made no attempt at making any friends.  The builders said they felt an evil aura about the place and hastened to finish their work as quickly as possible.  The builders also said that he ordered a cellar with a series of tunnels built below the foundation.

"Didn't anyone ask what this was for?" I interjected, upon hearing this, citing its oddity.

"Yes.  He replied that it was going to be used for storage," replied the old man.  He waited but a moment, and then resumed with his story.

After his family moved in, he practically shut himself from the rest of the world.  Nothing was known of the goings on in the house or of the family itself, the wife and two young sons never having left their safe haven.  When asked of his past, the man merely said the he had come in search of a permanent place to stay, nothing more.  People soon stopped asking him questions and let him be.

A number of years went by and the small settlement grew into a medium-sized town, growing at a substantial rate.  It was then, shortly after an influx of these new settlers, that a disappearance of people started.  No one had any explanation of these disappearances and so attributed it to the losing of one's way in the dense wood surrounding the town.  No one questioned the unknown, reclusive family, the fear being too great.  The years came and went, fraught with numerous disappearances, with no notion of the awkward family's involvement.

Frequent Contributor
Hosanna
Posts: 31
Registered: ‎02-05-2009

Re: Part of a story. Would you read this? Tell me what you think.

 

I'm not sure if this is a synopsis or if it is a portion of your story.  If this is your story, than I would suggest that you slow down a little.  We need to feel like we are there with the characters, smell the underground tunnels, inter act with the strange man.

 

Also I think you need to consider that you may be giving us too much information right at the start of your story.  If it is a thriller or a mystery - you're not leaving us in much suspense.  You might need to consider that you need to hide the tunnels from the reader until later in the story.

 

For example:  The builders were brought in from another county - and no one knew why.  Later we find out it's because he had tunnels built that he didn't want anyone local to know about...something like that.

Inspired Wordsmith
twilight_fanatic_01
Posts: 1,162
Registered: ‎01-02-2009

Re: Part of a story. Would you read this? Tell me what you think.

Ditto that, Hosanna
Contributor
1bigvikki
Posts: 22
Registered: ‎02-28-2009
0 Kudos

Re: Part of a story. Would you read this? Tell me what you think.

i must say that i agree with the previous comment that you were lacking a bit of suspense, but by reading what you have written so far i do want to read more and i hope that one day you finish the book because you have my word that my mother and i and most of my friends will definitely read the book, although i do not know your name? i am writing a book myself and i believe that you shouldn't give up and must continue writing. at times it will get hard because sometimes i feel like erasing my whole story, but that will not be worth it,continuing with your book is...:robothappy:
New User
Create_Dream_Overcome
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎03-03-2009

Re: Part of a story. Would you read this? Tell me what you think.

Sound like a great story. But me personally, I have to get into the book to like it. You must suck in the reader and leave them guess (suspence). I would suggest to get these events and make a graphic organizer, showing suspence, climax and resoltion. Yes, I know, middle school stuff but it works for many writers. :smileyhappy: