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alaskagirl2000
Posts: 6
Registered: ‎05-23-2012
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Please help!

This is part of a 'book' I have written and I would love to know other's unbiased opinions on it. Thanks!

 

Dear Bayli (and Kathryn and Hope, if you two are there),

            I know that if you have this, you know that I am the avatar of Kennetta. I wrote this because I wanted to explain something. Okay, Bayli, you can stop with the destroying of various items around this place. I don’t want this destroyed. I didn’t put hundreds of spells on this for nothing, okay? Well, I have to start from the beginning…

            When I was born, I was severely injured and orphaned. I knew, little as I was, that the orphanage would rather let me die than waste a ton of money on a surgery that had a possibility that the surgery wouldn’t even work. So I was dropped outside the orphanage with the piles of garbage. Kennetta came to me, and promised to save me, if only I would be her daughter. I agreed, because I did not know what being the daughter of evil would entail. Kennetta did not tell me that if I had friends, I would be punished for it. So I went on having a normal life, with only the occasional order to kill a rabid classroom hamster or something of the sort. Kennetta had gotten me out of the orphanage and gave me a good home in upstate New York. I didn’t really mind being Kennetta’s daughter until I met Kathryn. We met going to the Academy of Fire. I knew much more than the average girl going to the Academy of Fire, but I didn’t dare tell Kathryn or anyone. People would have suspected something. I know that you suspected me; especially after that vision we shared. I pleaded with Kennetta after her biddings became more and more demanding. I could barely stand it when she ordered me to kill Krypontie. After being around you guys for most of the school year, I knew I had to stand up to Kennetta somehow. I knew she was planning a battle, so I kept calm. I think you can puzzle out what happened at the battle. I just want you to know one thing…I never wanted to betray you. I never wanted to betray Kathryn or Hope or Azalea or Kayla or Lillian or anyone…I was forced to by a promise that was made when I was three years old.

            I’m sorry.

Just remember two things-I never wanted to. And good cannot survive without evil. Soon there will be no more Kenai. Make the most of your special connection with her.

                                                                                    Love, love, love,

                                                                                    Zoe Michele Rachel Warham

 

Thanks for the help!

Wordsmith
Kat-NE
Posts: 1,349
Registered: ‎04-22-2009
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Re: Please help!

First of all, welcome to the board!

 

There is a lot of information going on here. I assume this is not the beginning of the story, since the characters are not really being introduced, just spoken about.

 

It all sounds very interesting, but not knowing any of the characters and the situation that Zoe is talking about being completely new readers, it's hard to form any kind of connection or sympathy one might have with a character.

 

As to sentence structure and the like, I don't see any grammar or punctuation issues. The only real suggestion I would make would be to break up that middle paragraph a bit, just so it's a little easier to read.

 

I hope you post some more, maybe something with character interaction so your characters personality and story can be seen. Good luck with the rest of your story.

Contributor
alaskagirl2000
Posts: 6
Registered: ‎05-23-2012
0 Kudos

Re: Please help!

Okay...two parts coming up. One hopefully will explain more about my first post, and the second will give a bit of dialog between the four main characters. Have fun reading!

 

I ran out of the room, too confused. Nothing seemed possible. My best friend here wouldn’t even agree with me! With a burst of anger at the little envelope, I took it and started shredding it. But at the first tear, a ray of light brighter and more colorful than anything that I had ever seen before shone out. Intrigued, I slowly tore the rest of the envelope apart. The light grew larger and larger, until the envelope completely tore. The hallway was filled with the strange, unearthly, color-filled white light.

            I was gently lifted from my spot in the hallway, and I had a vision. Not a dream-like vision, a real vision. I could still see what was around my real body, but mostly I saw what was going on in the vision. There were two goddess-like creatures in center of a horseshoe of fire. The sunlit one had a beautiful, loose dress that looked as if it was made of rainbows. Her slippers (not the bedtime type) looked like they had been woven of sunlight. Her multicolored hair shone in the firelight and reached down past her feet. The darker one wore a tight-fitting, knee-length, elegant black dress that looked wicked in the red light. Her shoes were black boots with silver buckles that reached the bottom of her dress. Her black-and-red accented hair flew behind her in a breeze, and was a little longer than shoulder length. They argued over something for a while. The sunlit one had a clear, clean, voice that sounded like bells. The dark one seemed to call her Kenai. The dark one had a voice that sounded dark and unpleasant, like black honey, or swamp mud. The sunlit one called her Kennetta. They argued in a language I didn’t understand, but sounded familiar, somehow. Kenai showed her things, beautiful things, in a…cloud-board that changed pictures every time Kenai touched it. Kennetta shook her head said something that sounded incredulous, and touched the board. Images of destruction and pain appeared. Kenai said something that sounded an awful lot like ‘NO!”  and pushed the board away, as if it were made of clouds. Kennetta growled and shot something small, thin, red, but very awful looking out of her fingers. Whether it was ropes, or electricity, or something else, Kenai seemed to be in much pain. Kenai tried to do the same to Kennetta, but all she could manage was a few measly rainbows. Kennetta must have thought they were ridiculous so too, because she just cackled and shot more and more. Kenai turned to…my point of view, and with a last bit of strength, she touched a stone butterfly in a locket I hadn’t seen before. The butterfly came to life, and flew toward me. As soon as it touched me, I blacked out. But not before I saw Zoe on the other side of the horseshoe of fire, with a snake slowly coiling itself around her laughing neck. 

 

 

“Welcome, girls,” Professor Teppila’s voice issued from an alcove far above the tops of the bookshelves. As my eyes adjusted to looking through the hologram, I noticed many other alcoves. About half of them had adults and teens with tails. The other half had adults and teens without. “We are here today to decide if you four will be the youngest Sisters of Kenai ever.”

            “Do you believe you should become Sisters of Kenai?” A grandfatherly man questioned. I assumed he was the headmaster of the underwater school.  He had a beige suit and a neon blue tail.

            “Yes,” we all answered at the same time, but with different tones. Kathryn was jubilant; Hope, firm, Zoe, whatever, and me, a bit of them all.

            “Why?” one of the older teens that we had caught talking about guard duty asked, with an aura of being in charge and loving it.

            “Because if you don’t let us in we won’t keep your secret,” Kathryn stated boldly. “And because I think we have…uh…powers that you might not want against you.”

            “Very cunning, Kathryn,” Luke Blazeworth commented from a lower alcove. As he caught a stern expression from Professor Teppila, he corrected himself. “I mean, Miss Kolbe.”

            “Do the rest of you have anything to say for yourself?” a girl I remember seeing hanging out with Azalea probed.

            “Yes,” I answered, surprised at myself. As I spoke, it wasn’t really myself speaking. It was the locket I had put on this morning. “I think that you would be very wrong to refuse me a spot as a Sister of Kenai. Because then I might get mad. And you don’t want that to happen.”

            As my words set in, a murmur spread around the room. I heard a few random words: Kenai, of, and daughter. A questioning tone was attached to the whisperings.

            “We will confer for a bit. Please wait outside the room. Do not go above water. We will call you back when we are ready. You are dismissed,” Professor Teppila told us. As we left, thumps and a crowd of teens streaming out the door told us that the teens that had questioned us were leaving as well.

            We didn’t talk while we roamed the castle. We didn’t need to. We had gotten to know each other so well through our strange experiences that just a look could convey all the thoughts in our head.

            Just as we had finished exploring the gigantic kitchen, we felt the tingling in our legs again. Not wishing to be transported again, we dashed towards the study hall. Too late. We found ourselves in the study hall again. My stomach also found itself very uncomfortable and ready to empty itself on the floor. I told my stomach no.

            The teens had reentered their alcoves in the wall high above. “We have decided our verdict,” the grandfatherly man said. 

 

I hope this helps you understand more! Please comment on my writing more!!!!!