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JamieScott
Posts: 58
Registered: ‎06-13-2009

Poem-- Do you like it?

Here's a poem I've been working on.  What do you think?

 

 

 

Sympathy Pains

good morning mourning me
would you like a cup of despondency?
of course. i'm sure you do...
It tastes a bit like dampened dew.
Welcome to this morning.
A burning surprise without warning.
Well, let me tell you what you've won
oh that's right. the rising sun.
your shuddering shutters are the victor
so readjust your focus and take a picture
because now's the time to forget the time.
and blindly proceed down the receiving line...

*****
...everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. ~Sylvia Plath
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twilight_fanatic_01
Posts: 1,162
Registered: ‎01-02-2009
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Re: Poem-- Do you like it?

This was a good poem. I liked how you made it rhyme and the opening line "Good morning mourning me" especially. I found it quite poetic. Good job!

"Your dream vacation, smile hostage refuge, a work in progress, you bleed just like you puke while running the mile."

-Pretty Handsome Awkward, The Used
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Zack_Kullis
Posts: 235
Registered: ‎02-27-2009
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Re: Poem-- Do you like it?

Hello Jamie!!!

 

Okay, where to start....

 

I REALLY liked your poem!!  Some poems I can get in one glance, and don't require much time.  Other poems, like yours, take me by the eyelids and I find myself reading and reading again.  I read many different things in this poem, and I saw different interpretations.

 

Like twilight, I enjoyed your use of "morning and mourning" which tied in well with "shuddering shutters".

 

"would you like a cup of despondency?" was great!!  I know I have mornings when I wake up and thin..."Crap....  Another day of (fill in your choice of explicative here)!"  This captures that feeling very well!

 

One other thing is that it had a tempo that I really enjoyed. 

 

Very nice work Jamie!!

Sic volvere Parcas...
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JamieScott
Posts: 58
Registered: ‎06-13-2009
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Re: Poem-- Do you like it?

Thanks so much for your comments. I'm so glad you guys like it! 

 

This was definitely one of those mornings where I just couldn't fathom getting out of bed and having to drag myself through the day.  That's where the line "And blindly proceed down the receiving line" came from.  The "receiving line" is refering to morning, noon and night.  This is supposed to show how a lot of people (including me that morning) wake up annoyed at the sun for causing a new day and just let their eyes take a snapshot what they first see and then drift through the rest of the day like they're still asleep- basically just go through the motions completely in denial that they're alive.  This poem was originally written when I was working in finance and I think it represents a common experience among bankers and cubicle monkeys.  I am thankfully no longer in that industry.  :smileyhappy:

*****
...everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. ~Sylvia Plath
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Zack_Kullis
Posts: 235
Registered: ‎02-27-2009
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Re: Poem-- Do you like it?

Cubicle monkeys, I love it!!  :smileyvery-happy:

 

When I was a cubicle monkey during college, it always struck me as looking like a bunch of gophers with people periodically poking their heads above their cubicle to see what was going on, or keeping an eye out for the "predator" (aka the boss).

 

I can relate totally!!

Sic volvere Parcas...
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ChaseTheSunset
Posts: 17
Registered: ‎07-13-2009
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Re: Poem-- Do you like it?

Dude.  This is seriously what's up.  Excellent, excellent (:
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."
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redheart52
Posts: 790
Registered: ‎12-25-2008
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Re: Poem-- Do you like it?

Despondency is such a great word! I liked how you made in your poem a kind of conversation and had it rhyme. I also liked the assonance in the beginning of your poem. Great job with incorporating figurtive language into your poem. It gives it a flare.  
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JamieScott
Posts: 58
Registered: ‎06-13-2009
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Re: Poem-- Do you like it?

Thanks so much for your comments!!  So glad it resonated!  
*****
...everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. ~Sylvia Plath
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BeeZnEEz101
Posts: 494
Registered: ‎03-11-2009
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Re: Poem-- Do you like it?

your first line is very clever and the overall poem is witty and well put together and

 

your occasional usage of alliterations adds a lot to ur poem 

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JamieScott
Posts: 58
Registered: ‎06-13-2009
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Re: Poem-- Do you like it?

Thanks so much!  So glad you think it's clever!  That's a huge compliment!  :smileyhappy: 
*****
...everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. ~Sylvia Plath
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Sarah101
Posts: 29
Registered: ‎07-24-2009
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Re: Poem-- Do you like it?

Here's a poem I think.                   

 

 

 

 

 

the sun goes down 

my heart starts to pound 

I'm all alone now 

with nothing but the darkness that surrounds me