Short part of a story.

[Jane_Doe]

Remember.  I commanded myself as I stared at my sister's body lying in the hospital bed.  She didn't look the same with her mane of bushy red hair all shaved off, but while in sleep, I could pretend who she used to be was still there.  Her face was finally clear to me, after my eyes had finally dried up and refused to cry, but my heart still felt like it were crying lethal, bloody tears.  Yesterday, she had collapsed while in the shower.  It had never occured to me that her erratic mood swings and violent outbursts had been caused by brain cancer, but in the end that was the diagnosis.  When she had finally woken up my parents had rushed to her side, clasping her hand in theirs apologizing over and over, but all she did was stare at them without comprehension and turn away, falling back asleep.  The surgeons had already said something had gone wrong in the surgery, and that was the deal closer.  Something had definitely gone wrong, because this being that had sucked part of my sister away was just a shell, a pupet, and I wanted her back.  But something had gone wrong, and she was never coming back.  

( a part of a story.) 

[Zack_Kullis]

Hello again Jane!

There are a few sentences that I had to read  a few times before I understood what you meant.  Here are two in particular;

"... but while in sleep, I could pretend who she used to be was still there."   

"Something had definitely gone wrong, because this being that had sucked part of my sister away was just a shell, a pupet, and I wanted her back."

You write well Jane, keep it up!

[Jane_Doe]

Ya, looked over those sentences as well and i was having diffculty thinking of ways to make it better.  But that you for your comment and input!  I helps me alot.  =)

[marilynpsychic]

Hi Jane!

A very moving paragraph.   A scene like this has such a devastating emotional impact already built in, that it can easily sink into overly-gooey melodrama.  But you handled it nicely, touching on all the thoughts tumbling around in your heroine's head, without sinking in "buckets of tears" melodrama and too many adjectives.

I liked your first word, "Remember".  So many people do this to remember how a dying relative used to look -- not the nearly-corpse before them.

And I liked the emotional impact of your line "my heart still felt like it was crying lethal, bloody tears".  Very nice!  You showed how devastated your heroine is.  How her syster's impending death was tearing her apart inside.

And you wove in the guilt-factor very nicely too.  How the family now feels so guilty that they hadn't been more clued in to her mood swings and outbursts.

Good Luck!