Since 1997, you’ve been coming to BarnesandNoble.com to discuss everything from Stephen King to writing to Harry Potter. You’ve made our site more than a place to discover your next book: you’ve made it a community. But like all things internet, BN.com is growing and changing. We've said goodbye to our community message boards—but that doesn’t mean we won’t still be a place for adventurous readers to connect and discover.

Now, you can explore the most exciting new titles (and remember the classics) at the Barnes & Noble Book Blog. Check out conversations with authors like Jeff VanderMeer and Gary Shteyngart at the B&N Review, and browse write-ups of the best in literary fiction. Come to our Facebook page to weigh in on what it means to be a book nerd. Browse digital deals on the NOOK blog, tweet about books with us,or self-publish your latest novella with NOOK Press. And for those of you looking for support for your NOOK, the NOOK Support Forums will still be here.

We will continue to provide you with books that make you turn pages well past midnight, discover new worlds, and reunite with old friends. And we hope that you’ll continue to tell us how you’re doing, what you’re reading, and what books mean to you.

Reply
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011

Tormented One

[ Edited ]

If you don't like darker things or a little blood don't read.

 

 

 

I held the 6" Buck knife in my hands. This will work. This time I will not wake. It has to work. I laid down on my bean bag beside my bed and breathed a wish to be free.

A deep breath and I took the knife to my left wrist pulling hard and deep. I felt as much as heard tendons snap. Pain was nothing it has become my only friend. Blood pored forth like a fountain down my arm pooling on my belly. What little grip I had I cut my right wrist to . Blood squirted out from the severed artery. "The walls need paint anyway" I said to my self grimly. Watching the red fountain as I drifted to sleep. . . .

 

Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011

Re: Tormented One

[ Edited ]

 

 

"Cara . . . Cara . . .hey freak!''The voice rang in my head. My mind was in a thick cloud. I eased my eyes open and I saw myself. Blood was crusted on my arms. I was cold and tired.

"Yes freak. Wake up. You idiot your immortal you can't get away from me." The voice mocked. No I can't do this again! Why can't it work!

I grabbed my bed beside me to pull my self up and stood dizzily. I steadied myself on my dresser. My clothes were wet, stained. "Look at me freaky" I looked at the mirror hanging on my wall beside my dresser. It is a full length mirror.The demon I call her was waiting.

"There you go. Come on try again. I want to watch." My reflection traced her throat "a good slice right here" I looked a way and dug for new clothes. "Cara my lovely freak. I'm waiting. Think about it the great jokes the REAL human kids will make of you! "

I found a shirt and some jeans to put on as my demon continued tormenting me. My hands shook  I never snapped I have to have one small win. . . 

"Stupid. Can you even understand me? No wonder they like to beat you" I found my gauze role atop the dresser and wrapped my wrists that were already half healed. "Aw look a tear is the moron upset? Hey listen they are yelling again. All the neighbors will hear and make fun of you again and again. Hey maybe the cops will come again. O is that great! The best jokes come from that"

she was right my parents were yelling again. I could hear things break. I give it ten minutes before they come looking for a punching bag.

"Haha. Look there's the freak. Look hey come on lets hear your screams. We all heard it last night freak. " Anger swelled hot tears fell down my face.

"Shut up demon" I said bitterly

. "O now now such a demand. Did my freak finally learn to speak? Freak look there's the freak. Look she has a black eye. Look she's has a cast. Look the biggest igit ever!" My vision began to blur.

I've battled with this demon I've taken beatings, Jokes, viral attacks, pranks, jail because my parents blamed their Pot on me. I'm alone no one wants to be seen with me. My whole family disowns me. Nobody wants me. Nobody would miss me.

I can't snap. But why not? What do I care anymore? I can't live like this. No more. I have to leave tonight.

" O dummy That requires intelligence. You don't have that. Besides. Maybe the REAL kids will paste your picture on the schools billboard again. That was great do you remember what they wrote?" I grabbed my back pack and began stuffing it with clothes and what little cash I have.

"They wrote :For a great ti.." I spun me whole body trembling now "Shut up!" I screamed. "Its not nice to interrupt. You got a lot of phone calls for that message. 

"I know now quiet" I finished packing as a new wave of nervous tembles raked my body. I opened my window and looked down at the thirty foot drop. "Jump jump jump. Come on freak jump for Dave." Dave? How dare she mentchen that name! That was the last straw.

With all of my strength all my fury all my pain. I swung at the mirror. It shattered shredding my right arm. I hit so hard my fist broke through the plaster lath. I pulled my hand back. The pain was distracting but I was used to pain. And the feeling of defeating the demon as a welcome wash of relief. I sat on the window ledge thinking last thoughts. A strange peace like moment was new to me. Then about to jump.

"Freak!" I turned and gasp. The mirror had become a liquid figure of me. Froze by disbelieve. The mirror grabbed my throat and pushed. "By"

Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
0 Kudos

Re: Tormented One

"Ger oft hy bus. I not goen any further girl"

. I woke as the driver gently shook my shoulder. I fought the urge to smack the man touching me. Kindness was a thing I was not used to. "Thanks" I said quickly and ran off the bus. It was dark now. . I had been riding bus to bus getting far as I could from the house I lived.

I was hurt but not surprised being gone for three days and not one damn missing person alert. The cloud of exhaust interrupted my thought.

My eyes watered and I coughed walking down the sidewalk. I dully noting the numerous shops. The clock tower in the distance told of a new hour. I turned down a ally and froze. A hooded figure was beating the crap out of some poor fool. I saw an opportunity. I dropped my bag and unfolded my Buck knife.

"Hey jackass!" I screamed. It felt good to scream. The hooded man turned toward me and grabbed something hidden in his pants. I ran after him not wanting to give him time. A pistol glinted in the moonlight. A shot rang out. Flesh exploded off my left shoulder. The pain was shocking and welcome. Pain was my friend.

I tacked the man we fell to the wet gravel ground. I stabbed the man in the side he grunted and grabbed my throat. I punched the mans nose feeling it snap under my hand.

It felt good. I didn't stop. He beat me with the butt of the gun in the ribs. Desperate and beginning to panic. He shoved the pistol to my chest and pulled the trigger.

I felt the bullet rip through my heart. My body went limp. The pain was . . . Different hollow I couldn't breath or move.

The man shoved me off cursing I knew although the words melted into liquid noise. He pulled my knife out of his side and threw it at me. Excitement bubble in my belly. Is death near? Then my hopes crumbled. My heart fluttered and jumped to life. I could move and breathe again. I fought the urge to sleep as my body needed to heal. I stood and grabbed my knife. The man backed up to the wall stumbling and sputtering half words.

I lashed out slashing his right arm. He stooped over and I took my chance. I swiped the thick wallet and left the man. I had what I wanted.

The unconscious woman leaned up against the dumpster wouldn't mind paying me. I found her purse and stole the cash but left everything else.

As I stood my vision blurred and my knees shook. A wave of exhaustion swallowed me. I needed to hide. I ran grabbing my bag shouldering it after stuffing the cash away. I ran far as I could reaching an abandon shop. I climbed through a busted window and crawled to a corner. Curling in to a ball sleep over came me before my head hit the wall.

Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
0 Kudos

Re: Tormented One

"Cara. My little freak wake up!" My demon said. She reached for me. I was dreaming I let her come.

The liquid silver hand drove in to me the icy fingers wrapped around my heart. The pain was so great I cried out into the dark it slowly faded as I woke crying and sweating despite the chill of the fall morning.

My heart was jumping in its cage still not completely healed . I stood with a tremble. Taking a deep breathe of the still dusty air I checked the sidewalk. Empty I climbed out and made a brisk walk to a gas station behind the abandon shop.

Like any other Shell station it stank of gas and cigarettes. I snuck in hiding my face and my bloodied shirt. The cashier was busy reading an adult mag he didn't even see me. I found the restroom toward the back and locked the door.

I peeled off my shirt the dried blood made it stick and washed the blood off. The hole in my chest was odd. Like a thin sheet of plastic it was soft and transparent much like an oil eye . I threw the old rag of a shirt away and put on my last clean shirt. It was blue that said "I'm a keeper" I smirked at it.

 

My shoulder was healed enough to where it looked as a scar. My wrists were a perfect unbroken skin. That pissed me off. I looked back to the mirror breathing a sigh when it was me to look back. I fixed my long brown hair brushing it with my hands and headed out.

I grabbed a milk to buy and slammed it on the counter. The man jumped out of his skin stuttering and hiding his mag under the counter. He rang up my milk soon as the register opened I screamed "he's gota gun!" I jumped pointing.

The man spun like a good little pawn. I reached over and stole the stash of $20's. I ran as the man shouted behind me. Out of sight I slowed down and took a look around.

It was a tourist town full of shops. I walked down the street hanging my head looking for a bus out of the corner of my eye. A distinct sound came up behind me. A convoy of school buses. "Speak of the demon" I said flagging the bus. All five yellow buses drove by. I decided I want to try a new school. I sprinted catching the last one on the back for a ride.

The school was just like mine. The same as mine smells of kids, dirt, and faintly the gross cafeteria food. Pail yellow paint, blue grey trim. Grey carpet, and thick wood doors. Yeah just like mine.

I picked a kid my age and followed her. She seemed upset. But I didn't care. We went to a class room and sat down. I received seething looks and wispier.

The teacher came in and looked at me "your in the wrong class hun" she said. I straitened and sighed dramatically. "Uh no I am in the right class. I'm the new kid . . . I was told you knew I was coming" the teacher stared at me before leaving. I waited and took my leave. I couldn't resist. I turned to the confused class "screw you guys. I'm going home" I said impersonating my favorite TV character.

High tailing to the restroom I hid till lunch I could here them looking but nobody ever checked the bathroom. Who would it stunk. I walked out at noon and fallowed the lunch line. A free meal even though it tasted of catfood.

I was going to hide in the restroom again. Crying caught my attention. "Hello?" I asked. The girl sniffed and said "get out I have to . . . Just go!" I knew that tone. It takes one to know one. I found the stall she was in and kicked it open. The girl screamed dropping a hand full of pills. I grabbed her wrist. Shaking her

"you take any!?" I surprised my self by my hash tone. The sobbing girl shook her head. "Why?" I tried to soften my voice. And let go of her. She wrung her shirt up in her fists. "They make fun of me. " I waited. When she didn't continue I was fumed.

"They make fun of you ? Is that it? Do you know what I go through? Do you know what I put up with! How dare you! " I was shaking. But I couldn't let the thing be. I may be lost but she has a chance.

I took the wad of cash I stole this morning. "Here go buy new clothes new shoes. A friggen nook I don't care. But don't you EVER think of killing your self! Your a gem. " now here came the bullshit I told my self " you are the coolest girl here! But you have to make it that way! Ignore the other kids. They thrive on kids like you that feel terrible. Go. Go right now before I kick your ass!"

The girl bolted out of the restroom. Maybe I helped. It better have I gave her my money. Okay Cara schools over. I sneaked out and made my way to the fire escape. When the alarm rang I bolted my self. I found my way back to town and walked into a clothing store. I bought some more shirts and another pair of jeans. My backpack bulged. But I was set.

Next door I bought a cold cut dagwood. The streets were busy now easy for me to hide. Eating on the go. I spotted a bus stop three blocks down. I wonder what the next town will hold. I knew I would have to stop some were running gets you in trouble.

Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Distinguished Correspondent
BookishBlonde
Posts: 113
Registered: ‎06-27-2011

Re: Tormented One

Again, a great idea! compelling concept! But it needs editing, work on that spelling GS. Flesh out what else is going on with Cara: anger obviously but what else? Somewhere there must be a sliver of hope that her life, her specialness has meaning, is that what drove her out into the world? Get into the scenes more, describe her room, the streets, the shops, etc. You could take this great places.

Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
0 Kudos

Re: Tormented One

I sat in the small rinky dink diner. I crammed down a ham & cheese. The food was okay. The rootbeer was amazing. Home made and creamy.

I finished off my third glass. Looking out the window. The diner was one of the few important buildings in this small town. A post office, small sheriff station, and a little General store that had a old gas pump in front.

A few trees were doted in town. The main asphalt road broke off into smaller dirt roads which disappeared in the distant woods.

My bus stopped here and none went further on. I'll have to find another ride this town is too small to stay. Everybody knows everybody's business. I can't hide well like that. But this rootbeer is worth sicken around for. No I have to find a ride.

I stood and left a twenty. Heading for the restroom first. I dried my hands ready to leave. I turned to the mirror to fix my shirt and my demon was watching. She didn't say anything just watched smiling.

  The old General store looked as if it hadn't change since it was built. The floor squeaked and popped as I walked across. Old metal signs hung on the walls. Advertising different pops and soaps.

The store had a different smell too. Like clove and molded flour. It was unpleasant. I found a bar of soap and a bag of jerky to buy. The store keeper came from a back room when I rang the little bell.

I stashed my soap in a side pocket of my bag and munched on my meat.

I looked away as a guy walked in. I didn't want attention. "Cara? " I froze my hand clamped down on the door handle. I didn't have to look that voice was imprinted in my mind. Dave the worthless scum. Memory's of the beatings played over in my mind. Not again please.

I threw open the door and tried to run. He caught my bag and pulled me back.

"Help!" I screamed landing on the floor. Dave laughed

" You didn't know I live here did you? Will over there won't help he's my friend." I stole a glance at the keeper he smiled and waved before heading to the back.

Alone as always. I jumped up trying to run but Dave was there. He wrapped me up in his hairy arms. "Oh no your not running from me again. I let you go once but not this time. We are going somewhere special this time. "

I gave up his grip was to strong I knew that already I've been through this. He let me go smiling when I didn't run. A tear fell from my face he went to catch it, but I turned away. That angered him. He smacked me I fell against the shelf, spices and boxes fell on me.

"You will do as I say this time!" He bellowed. He punched me on the chin. My head cracked on the other shelf before landing on the floor with a sickening crunch. The last thing I saw was my demon smiling in the dark. . .

Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
0 Kudos

Re: Tormented One

The rumble of the mustang slowly brought my senses to life. My head throbbed the air was stuffy and smelt of old beer and smoke.

I could tell it was night. The flash of headlights didn't help my head.

I peeked my eye open just to see my pack by my feet and Dave sickening hand on my knee. Bile burned my throat.

My knife was still in my pocket it was digging into my thigh. In one swift move I could slit the creeps throat. But it would take to long to unfold my knife let a lone get it out of my pocket when my arms were asleep. Tiny pin pricks numbed my motor skills.

I waited for my chance. No mater how long it would take. Hours seemed to pass. Dave's head began to droop. I waited for his eyes to close.

There! I had a split second more time. I grabbed my blade and flicked it open Dave was instantly alert. He squeezed my leg and laughed.

"Sit down!" I ignored the command. Dave swung for me I ducked and came up with a stab. Strait into the gut. Dave looked shocked. I had stalled him enough to get away.

I didn't wait for his reaction. I opened my door grabbed my bag and jumped. . .

Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
0 Kudos

Re: Tormented One

[ Edited ]

I felt like I been through a rock tumbler. I lay there watching the stars.

I didn't know how long I was there but I was over joyed when Dave never turned around. I finally sat up.

Besides numerous cuts and brumes I was okay. My hole in my chest throbbed it was taking longer to heal. My pack was in the distance. I got up and shouldered it. I hiked any car that drove by.

Walking along the road Luna to my back I asked my self "what now?" Many things I could do.

But before I could complete my thought, a truck stopped. I sprinted to the cab. "Need a ride?"

Said a older lady. She had a thick southern accent.

"Sure" I said jumping in. I felt safe. The lady chatted away about some life. I didn't catch any of it. My body demanded sleep and I for some odd reason trusted this lady.

Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
0 Kudos

Re: Tormented One

I waved and bid the lady goodbye. I never caught her name. Early morning had broke. I was in a cute town. A few shops and restaurants. Lots of people too. A big fountain was placed in the center of town.

Across the street was a small inn. "Help needed" hung in the window. I decided.

I will live here for a little while. I can't run to long that's how one gets caught.

I casually walked across and walked in the inn "Pinky's inn" the sign said. Wood floors, green flower wallpaper . . .

"Well aren't you just a sight!"

I spun to the older lady that startled me. She wore all pink clothes. Hence the name I guess.

"Tisk tisk and jumpy! Where is your parents young one?" She smiled politely and moved behind her desk waiting for my reply.

"I uh I'm alone ma'am" I winced. Ma'am? Who am I saying ma'am.

"Why how old are you?"

I hesitated,  deciding truth can't hurt.

"Sixteen." the lady gasp

"but child you look like you've been on the run! No oh hun your a runaway ." She came around the desk sympathy etched on her face. I backed away

" I just need a job" 

The lady stopped and opened her mouth as to say something but didn't.

"Please?" The lady paused thinking.

" why?" She finally said.

"I need a place of my own. A fresh start. I. . . I can do any thing!"

She frowned at my answer. In a firm tone she said "What is your name?" I didn't want to give my name but something of this woman compelled me to answer

"Cara Brown" She smiled and held out a welcome hand

"Cara I am Pink or Pinky as more locals call me. Okay Cara. I'll give you a chance. You look like you need it. But if I see your picture on a missing persons flyer I will call it in. Understood? " I shook my head.

"Good. You can work today after you clean up. I'll give you a room to stay in as payment. Obviously you need it. If you do good. I'll start to pay cash agreed?"

I eagerly nodded. "Good. " her stern tone had left she took down the ''help needed sign'' and reached under her desk. A key was in her hand.

''In two hours it will be noon. Your to be down to start then. "

Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
0 Kudos

Re: Tormented One

The creaky steps to the upper rooms,wood floors, tile bathrooms, blue carpet in the rooms , the brown and white sheets, soap and water had all became my life this past week.

Pinky was the nicest lady I had met. I had began to look at her as a mother. I had done every thing she asked of me. All hours of the day. My life had turned for the better.

This is what I needed. The mop splashed in my bucket as I had just finished. "Cara!" I herd Pinky call from downstairs. I grabbed my bucket and seen to Pinky.

"Room ten needs their . . . " 

" le train fixed?"

Pinky smiled and went back to her papers. I grabbed the tool box and the plunger out of my storage closet. I knocked on room ten. The fifth time now this stupid thing has jammed on me.

A younger guy opened the door. I said hello and let the guy show me the crapper. Heh like I didn't know where it was. The chain had stuck again as I had thought.

A quick fix and I was on my way as I looked back I seen my reflection in the mirror. I froze the demon stared back. She had red eyes as if she was sick. She smiled and flipped me off before disappearing. I stared at my own shocked face.

" Miss... Miss hey." I snapped out of my stupor.

"Sorry. Need any thing else?" I ask the guy opened the door for me

"yeah a maid that's not a crack pot" he mumbled. I pretended I didn't hear that. I returned to the closet putting my tools away. A metal hook fell and cut my arm deep. I gasp at the thing and threw it back. I ran to my room it was the first up the stairs. I wrapped my cut not giving it to much thought. It was small it'll heal by morning.

"My freak" I snapped my head up

"bygone!" I hissed. My demon was different she indeed did look sickly

"If you loose me my lovely freak then you will die. You loose the curse."

What did hat mean? I turned away and finished work.

 

That night it was raining and the inn was empty. The guy and another couple checked out. Pinky had went out on a date. I was left watch in the inn alone. I was troubled by my arm. It was infected I never got infections before.

A light rasp on the door I jumped to and answered. A dark figure despaired down the street. A baby was crying in the rain. My heart sank. Abandoned like me. I scooped up the basket and took her in side.

The bright green eyes stared contently at me as I dried her off. I held the little bundle. A special feeling came over me.

"There must be some one to care for you little one" I said gently rocking the baby. She drifted to sleep and I held her not really wanting to let go. Where did this poor thing come from? Heck where did my baby skill come from?

When Pinky returned she gasp at the surprise. "You can't keep her!" She whispered. I suddenly felt crushed. I Loved this thing? Wait love? What IS wrong with me? But what I felt was something filling. Not hollow anger. I could live for this baby. This baby could be my reason to live!

"Cara!" Pinky said louder

"where did that baby come from!" I turned for Pinky to see the babe.

"Some one left her". Pinky looked at me after a time.

"Are you ready to be a mother? " . . . .

Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
0 Kudos

Re: Tormented One

[ Edited ]

"A mother!"

I panicked. What if I turn into my mother what if I can't do it? My head flooded with what ifs. Pinky placed her hand on my cheek.

"Cara I saw that look. You need something. You need a broken heart mended don't you?" How does she do that I wonder.

"I don't want to be a bad mom." I whispered kissing the babes soft head.

"Cara I see it. I can always see it has been my gift. You are the one to care for the babe. Take her to your room I'll go buy some milk and dippers for you. "

Pinky shouldered her purse. She kissed my forehead.

"Little one the first time I seen you I saw a empty soul. Now I see a happy one" with that Pinky ran out into the rain. The baby stirred. Must be hungry. I carried her to my room humming a soft lullaby. When I opened the door a silver figure was waiting.

"My iddle freak. You break this curse you die. "It said harshly as if the words were hard to speak.

"Bug off" I said and walked around her. My head began to pound. My arm throbbed.

" kill the child save your self. Save me!" 

"kill her! Never! I have something now! I have found my reason. Now bygone!"

My voice cracked. Blood oozed from my chest.

"that never healed did it? " the silver figure seamed to melt. The voice became raspy hollow.

"The curse, our curse kept us immortal for as long as you had nothing. You can't live if you keep that baby. Hurry kill it! Or you will die. "

She offered me a knife I was horrified. My body shook. I hurt everywhere. My heart fluttered making breathing difficult. The baby was crying. Clinging to me. I didn't want to die. This baby gave me reason a will a want. I lost strength to stand. I leaned against the wall and slid down. Cradling the babe in my arms. Smiling I looked at my demon for the last time.

"leave me" I whispered. And looked back to the child. She watched me with those green eyes. My breaths hurt now. I wheezed and slowly bled out. I heard Pinky come back.

"So be it"

my demon disappeared. I kissed the baby's hand smiling at it before at last the long awaited rest came. At a time when I finally found a reason to live.

Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
0 Kudos

Re: Tormented One

Pew! Okay feedback welcome!

:robotvery-happy:

Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
0 Kudos

Re: Tormented One


BookishBlonde wrote:

Again, a great idea! compelling concept! But it needs editing, work on that spelling GS. Flesh out what else is going on with Cara: anger obviously but what else? Somewhere there must be a sliver of hope that her life, her specialness has meaning, is that what drove her out into the world? Get into the scenes more, describe her room, the streets, the shops, etc. You could take this great places.


Yeah I could, I wondered if Cara could make a good novel. What do you think?

Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Author
Zkullis
Posts: 252
Registered: ‎07-21-2011

Re: Tormented One


GS2991 wrote:

BookishBlonde wrote:

Again, a great idea! compelling concept! But it needs editing, work on that spelling GS. Flesh out what else is going on with Cara: anger obviously but what else? Somewhere there must be a sliver of hope that her life, her specialness has meaning, is that what drove her out into the world? Get into the scenes more, describe her room, the streets, the shops, etc. You could take this great places.


Yeah I could, I wondered if Cara could make a good novel. What do you think?


Hi GS!  I would like to echo what BookishBlonde said.  I think the idea has some potential depth and room for a good story.  If I may add a little, there were some points in the story where it felt a little choppy and slightly disjointed. 

 

Keep working on this story!

Smite the Damned. http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Smite-The-Damned/Zack-Kullis/e/2940012784445 The sequel, Realm Crossing, to be released soon.
Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
0 Kudos

Re: Tormented One

Thank you! I'll have to dive in and give it a work over. I can't get her out of my head now. The choppy parts might have been were I cut out a couple of dark seens. I surprised my self how dark it got at some parts. I hope you liked it. I might get it all rewrote, add lots more meat to ze bones and edited more. Some time soon if another doesn't grab my pencil taking me to another world. I was thinking of the green eyed one too. How she could do as a character. Hmm . . .
Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!
Wordsmith
Jefferson_Thomas
Posts: 462
Registered: ‎08-04-2010
0 Kudos

Re: Tormented One

[ Edited ]

BookishBlonde wrote:

Again, a great idea! compelling concept! But it needs editing, work on that spelling GS. Flesh out what else is going on with Cara: anger obviously but what else? Somewhere there must be a sliver of hope that her life, her specialness has meaning, is that what drove her out into the world? Get into the scenes more, describe her room, the streets, the shops, etc. You could take this great places.


Wow, GS!  Loved this story!  Finally able to give it the attention it deserves.  A few thoughts:

 

I agree with BookishBlonde:  I love your concept.  Maybe I'm out of touch or something, but I've never seen anything like it.

 

You tell the story well.  It's easy to feel Cara's rage, and her strange mixture of hopelessness and determination.
 

I also agree with BookishBlonde when she says to flesh out some of what's going on.  On the one hand, I want to tell you to provide a little more information about the tormentor (for example, why is she picking on Cara?), but I don't want to spoil your story:  maybe the tormentor does what she does just because that's how she gets her jollies!

 

I liked the ending.  I didn't see it coming, even though you gave hints like when her injuries stopped healing so fast.  One suggestion:  instead of being quite so violent and mean to the girl in the bathroom stall, Cara could, through her actions, make us see that she cares a little bit about her, and then could discover very soon thereafter that the rate at which her wounds are healing seems to be slowing down.  This might also make the bit with the baby at the end make somewhat more sense.  After all, it's a little hard to believe someone as angry and violent as Cara could care about anything, even a baby.


I'm not sure you could stretch this all the way out to a novel, but I don't see why it couldn't be a fairly long short story.  Let's hear from people who have been published -- if GS cleaned and polished this thing, would it be suitable for, say, "Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine" or something similar?
 

Now the bad news, and again I agree with BookishBlonde.  Please don't hate me too much, but please, please, do something about the spelling, punctuation and usage!  I get that you're in the zone when you're writing, heart pounding, breathing fast, fingers shaking as they fly across the keys, etc., but please hit Spell Check or something!   Of course, part of it is my fault because, since I'm the son of a private-school English teacher, some of the errors just throw themselves off the freakin' page at me!  ("Hey, fellow errors, let's all get together and watch ol' Jeff spaz out again!  Yay, we did it; he's actually frothing at the mouth this time!!")  [Sound of old guy twitching on floor]  :smileyvery-happy:

 

Seriously, though, I like this.  Please try to tidy it up and flesh it out a little, and let us know what happens.

 

Jeff

Inspired Bibliophile
GS2991
Posts: 2,590
Registered: ‎04-21-2011
0 Kudos

Re: Tormented One

*sniff . . . tear * "you big bully!" :smileyvery-happy: :smileytongue: JK Thank you! Well okay since you board people like it I'll get it off the back bunner and work on it more. hmm I was thinking sequel too. It is knarly twisted goodness. Haha. Or not kinda sounds cheap in a way. Like Saw XXIX. Hmm. . . Me think me think. . . . .
Silence is golden,
Duck tape is silver.

Book Sharks: No need to breathe, just read!