Reply
New User
BallerNight37
Posts: 3
Registered: ‎06-19-2007
0 Kudos

Video Game world

Hey, im a 7th grader who is having a great time writing a science fiction story.

Im going to get a website for it, with forums and hope to get this published. heres a sneek peek:

Page 40:

“He lay there, dropping a small steel disk which we took no notice of. By now, all of the rest of my species were gathered. The human stood up, and ran. He ran faster than anything I have ever witnessed. It happened so fast, no one had a chance to go after the annoying human. Then, it happened. My world emerged in a fury of bright yellow, red, and orange, all mixed together in a blaze. The disk had exploded, and burst into a giant circumference of flames. The flames covered me and my fellow soldiers burst into flames, altering into ash. But, I kept on flying through the thin air, flipping end over end. Then, I felt pain. A fast, sharp pain that I had never experienced before shot through my body. I hit the ground hard, breaking my spine and my collar-bone. I was going to die. And I knew it. Nothing could save me now. The strongest of shots wouldn’t stop the pain. I lay there, surrounded by black ash, along with the mangled body parts of my companions scattered around me. And I started to twitch, and finally decided to shut my eyes. Forever. Our race had no chance left on this cruel planet. Anorths had no chance from here on. There was no army, no men left to do the work. My squad, the most powerful squad had been diminished by mere humans. The odds of us making it through this were 1 to 1000. As I shut my eyes, out of the corner of my vision, I say my half dead friend, crippled, making slight movements with a communicator in his hand. He mumbled a few words, and I closed my eyes in defeat, knowing life was over.”

Please tell me what you think (email me fluffyfunk01@yahoo.com for more free parts
Frequent Contributor
Madelia
Posts: 510
Registered: ‎06-14-2007
0 Kudos

Re: Video Game world

That was pretty good- especially for a 7th grader.
I'm always impressed with people around your age who are good with writing- my brother is going to be a freshman in high school next year and I think he is a great writer.

My main suggestion would be to invest in a thesaurus, or use one online. A lot of times when you want to talk about something multiple times in a sentence or paragraph, it can start to sound redundant and become hard to read. It's good to use articles such as "it", "the"... etc. and find synonyms to the words you're trying to use.

Thanks for sharing part of your story!


Sent a letter in the mail in braille to Johnny Quest
Send me back my Etch-a-Sketch!