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historybuff234
Posts: 536
Registered: ‎02-08-2007
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What do you think of this story?

[ Edited ]
I want everyone to know that this story is being publsihed about twenty to thirty years in the future, and the world then is about the same as now. The man writing the account is in his forty's. I will write a sequel to it where they go and raid the mafia's hideout


It was a rainy day in New York, it was so gloomy and sad thay day. I was an undercover FBI agent, I have also done things abroad with the CIA, and I have also served in the 101st Airbourne. fortunatly I can publish my accounts now that it the required number of years is over. I had shut down many of the Columbian warlords, stopped many a Chinese weapons dealers operations, destroyed the Russian Mafias submarine smuggling operations, and I am was then currently working on infiltrating the Sicilian Mafia in New York. I had also been in comabt many times, I was a battle hardened veteran. I served my country valiantly in Iran and Norht Korea, I was also on many special operations around the world. I have been in many exotic locations as well, some of them I was just on a base.
Anyway on that day in NY I had infiltrated the mafia as far as a non-Sicillian couldn't go. But I was quite high up in the fanily though. I had informed the godfather that I was going out for lunch. That was the day that I was going to execute my plan, for two years I had watched and waited until they trusted me enough. When that time came I was going to call the FBI and they were going to send a SWAT Team and they would attack the buildings and capture most of them. I couldn't help feel strange about this though, I had worked with these men for two years, I had grown friends with them, and I felt strange about turing these men in. But I stopped my self from thinking that, I knew that it was what I infiltrated their family. I looked around to be sure I was not followed by any of them, then after my lunch I dialed the number on my cell phone. One of my friends from the service answered and said, "Chuck, haven't talked to you in months. What is it?" I answered,"It is time to destroy this organized crime operation.
"I want a SWAT Team, plenty of cops, and Delta Force"
"Delta Force! Why do what them?! They are counter terrorism Chuck!"
"Yeah, there is terrorism in the family. They have sold a lot of weapons to Iran and those radical Muslims!"
"Alright, I will send them. they will be in position in a half hour. You can come and direct the SWAT and Delta Force guys."
"See you in a half-hour Richard."

In a half hour we had surrounded the buildings, and I was in command of the SWAT and Delta Force guys. We were in position, then I ordered them to throw smoke grenades into the buildings. We ran up and we fired a grenade from the grenade launcher and that blew down the door. We ran right in and cleared out the bottom level we moved to the top level. And we moved in the godfathers office and found somethings. The office was one of the most richly decorated office you would ever see. We searched it and found somethings but not everything. Most things of that the police would have wanted was gone. The rest of the house was the same, then we moved into the armory. Everything in the armory was gone also. I walked out in full body armor. I knew that we catch them next time.
Later I went and asked for a vacation, and my boss said, "Vacation! What's wrong with you Chuck? We almost got those guys!"
"Yes sir, I know. It is just I have been under alot of stress lately and I want to take a vacation. I have six months worth."
"Alright you may take a vacation. I just want you to know that if we catch those guys you will be responsible for catching them, because you gave us all the information. See you in six months, oh and send me some postcards. Oh by the way where you going?"
"I think I will go to Europe and take my time there".
"Are you going to use all of your vacation time?"
"I am not sure sir, I might use three weeks I might use all of it! I don't know sir, but I will contact you when I come back. Oh, and if you need me just email me and I will be there as fast as possible".
"Alright have fun. and I will keep in contact with you".

Message Edited by historybuff234 on 04-24-200706:34 PM

The important thing, is to keep the important thing the important thing.
-Albert Einstein
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historybuff234
Posts: 536
Registered: ‎02-08-2007
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Re: What do you think of this story?

Here is the sequel.

I came back from my vacation in Europe, I didn't take my six months all at once. I had a great time in Europe, I took my time and I was there for two and a-half months. I got back to the FBI building and saw my boss, he looked at me and said, "Wow Chuck! You look so good, so relaxed. Before you left you were tired and stressed out, now you look like a human being again. How was your trip?"
"It was a great vacation, I loved it. Okay now let's get back to work now. Have their been any things about it I should know?"
"Well their activities have almost stopped, they have disapeared. I just don't know where".
"Well I can tell you where they could have gone".
"Where?"
"Well when I was in Italy their was many murders, kidnapings, and that sort of thing. When I was in Sicily the whole island was in an uproar about it".
"It makes sense now, we monitered everything as close as possible. Out of every spot in the world they would be more apt to travel to Sicily, they have relatives there".
"Alright have they shown up any other spot?"
"Well they came back just a few days ago. They have abandoned their building in the city".
"I know where they went".
"Where?"
"To their huge mansion in Upstate New York, now one would ever know that that charming household were in the mafia. They always covered it up saying that they were real estate and investing".
"Alright tell us where, and we will raid it tommorow".
"Okay here it is". I then showed him the location and we prepared the raid.

The next morning we drove to the location and prepared to raid it. We all put on body armor and were armed with MP-5s, Uzzis, and M-16s.
We crashed the gates with a large armored van and set off the allarm. We landed helicopters on the lawn, and moved right in. We came under fire we returned fire and hit some people.
We moved into the huge mansion, and killed most of the resistence. Some surrendered, but most of them wouldn't give up until they were dead.
I moved out onto the air strip where I saw about ten of them going into one of their private jets. I ran up and shot most of them. I ran up to capture the godfather, but I hesitated. I ran up and said, "Hey, hands up!" He turned and said, "Chuck, I never thought you would betray us. Oh well it is all useless now".
He put his hands up and I walked slowly towards him, he said to me, "Well Chuck, no use tryng to offer you to join me, I know you won't. Will you at least let me go, I swear I won't be a criminal, I will retire give my money away and travel the world with he bit I have left. Please Chuck just believe me". I put my gun down and he said, "Thanks, I will send you a letter maybe I could meet you in Paris or some other spot. I will always keep a smal apartment in a couple of cities around the world. You know what Chuck, never in a million years would I have thought you were working for the FBI. You did a good job, and I am proud of you". With that the aging man waved, got into the airplane, and left.
I never did tell anyone what happened until now, the FBI promiss that they won't do anything since everytime I have seen him he was kept his word. I saw him about once to four times every year. He was a good man,once he told me that he liked a life without crime. He also said that if he had never gotten into the mafia he wouldn't be as rich, but he would probably have been alot more care free. It was a curious thing he is one of the most depised men in New York and yet he is one of the kindest, noblest gentlest, people I have ever met. Once he got out of crime he became kind, noble, and genlte, and I no longer despise him. I am never going to tell anyone where we meet, but I have seen the change in him and I accept that he was not a very good person before but he has changed. I have learned to accept a change in people not matter what if they are a godfather or a school bully, if you know that they have really changed accept it.
The important thing, is to keep the important thing the important thing.
-Albert Einstein
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historybuff234
Posts: 536
Registered: ‎02-08-2007
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Re: What do you think of this story?

Hey, could someone give me feedback on this? I'm sure AP could help me with this. I just want to let everyone know that these were some of my first stories so they are probably quite bad.
The important thing, is to keep the important thing the important thing.
-Albert Einstein
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APenForYourThoughts
Posts: 394
Registered: ‎06-22-2007
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Re: What do you think of this story?

AP at your service, historybuff!!
They're actually not bad, so don't say they are; you sound like me when you say that!
You will probably get tired of me saying this (no, it's not about grammar, so don't worry :smileyhappy:), but embellish a little. Fill in the little cracks with details and similes and metaphors. Really appeal to our emotions. You could definitely make it a lot more suspenseful, building tension until the very end.
The other thing I've noticed after reading four or five of your stories is your dialogue. I'm not going to sound very specific here, because I can't quite put my finger on it, so I apologize ahead of time for the lack of help I'm going to end up giving you. You add in words like "well" that make the speech sound natural, but there's something about it that doesn't sound natural. I don't know how to describe it, but it's almost like the characters can read one another's thoughts and answer rather flatly and matter-of-factly. I think you need to describe characters' tones and facial expressions every once in a while when writing dialogue, and pay attention to people speaking whenever you can. I have the same problem, but I find that really paying attention to how people speak and carry on a conversation helps.
Aside from those suggestions, another fantastic piece!
"A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us." --Kafka
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historybuff234
Posts: 536
Registered: ‎02-08-2007
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Re: What do you think of this story?



APenForYourThoughts wrote:
AP at your service, historybuff!!
They're actually not bad, so don't say they are; you sound like me when you say that!
You will probably get tired of me saying this (no, it's not about grammar, so don't worry :smileyhappy:), but embellish a little. Fill in the little cracks with details and similes and metaphors. Really appeal to our emotions. You could definitely make it a lot more suspenseful, building tension until the very end.
The other thing I've noticed after reading four or five of your stories is your dialogue. I'm not going to sound very specific here, because I can't quite put my finger on it, so I apologize ahead of time for the lack of help I'm going to end up giving you. You add in words like "well" that make the speech sound natural, but there's something about it that doesn't sound natural. I don't know how to describe it, but it's almost like the characters can read one another's thoughts and answer rather flatly and matter-of-factly. I think you need to describe characters' tones and facial expressions every once in a while when writing dialogue, and pay attention to people speaking whenever you can. I have the same problem, but I find that really paying attention to how people speak and carry on a conversation helps.
Aside from those suggestions, another fantastic piece!




Thanks a ton AP, I do agree that one this story the dialogue was kind of how you explained it. What's a simile again? I shouldn't say that this story is bad, what I meant was that it was one of my earlier ones so it might not be my best work.

This is a thought on how I can improve the dialogue, what if I put myself in the place of the characters and say what I or a person like them would say? I really haven't been doing it.

I think that these short stories could be developed into a novel. FBI agent goes under cover and gets in so deep that he has to kill one of his own men to keep under cover. But then it might not work.
The important thing, is to keep the important thing the important thing.
-Albert Einstein
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APenForYourThoughts
Posts: 394
Registered: ‎06-22-2007
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Re: What do you think of this story?

Your idea on the dialogue would probably work. You have to think about how people would really speak, or it doesn't sound real.
A simile is a comparison using "like" or "as", as in the expression "as cute as a button". A metaphor is a comparison without using "like" or "as". You might say, "The child's smile was a ray of sunshine", and that would be a metaphor.
I was thinking these stories would be great for a novel, too. It could very well work.
I'm going to post a story in about fifteen to twenty minutes, historybuff. I'm muy nerviosa, but I'm going to do it anyway. I hope you comment on it!
"A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us." --Kafka