07-30-2009 12:26 AM - edited 07-30-2009 12:53 AM
07-30-2009 12:51 AM
Well Lou is her aunt, so i guess that makes Doug her step uncle and Sparky is their dog, and yeah it was a music card (all add that later XD)
well here is some more for everyone!
“I have a question,” Cabe said, five minutes from the bridge. This is the first we’ve talked since we escaped from my room.
“And what is that?”
He looked almost uncomfortable, “Well, all I really know about you is that you’re a Hark, you kill― Imps, and your name is Jenna.”
I nodded, “Yeah, and all I know about you is that your dad hired some Imps, fired them, and now they’re after you. That you’re a Hark, but not exactly a Hark― which I still don’t understand,” I said to him, “and that your name is Cabe.”
He sighed, “Yeah, I just― well I want to know more.”I looked at him, he was completely serious. His grey eyes staring through mine, and if I were a normal girl, I would’ve blushed.
“Well,” I said, and he looked happy that I was talking to him. “I’m seventeen; I live with my aunt and her family. You’ve met their dog―”
“Sparky.” He finished for me. I looked at him, how did he know that? “Um, it was on his collar.”
“Oh, right,” I kick a rock with my toe, and look straight ahead. “Did you hear my aunt’s husband yelling?”
He hesitated, but he nodded. “It’s none of my business.”
I shrug, “It doesn’t matter, he’s such a jerk, and he’s nothing to me― just some man under my roof.” I smile at the thought of Doug leaving, halleluiah.
“Well, I never really liked my family, either, they’re just― embarrassing,” he smiled; I wonder if it’s that same inside joke from before.
“Yeah, well they’re all I have, so I guess I love them unconditionally,” I said, and then my smile was replaced with a scowl. “Other than Doug, of course, he’s new.”
Cabe laughed, and nodded, “Anyway, continue.”
“Well, I’ve lived with my aunt ever since I turned eight. My parents…well they were killed by Imps.”He looks at me, he actually looked like he was going to cry, “That’s sad, I’m― I’m sorry Jenna.”
I shrugged, and sighed, “Yep, for my birthday― I learn that vampires exist, and they kill my family. Wonderful― I know.”
“Your birthday? On your birthday?!” he asked, surprised. “That’s even worse!”I laugh at his expression, and was about to say something when the bridge came into view.
“Well, enough about that later,” I turn to look at him, and he was looking out at the bridge, too. “I still wanna know about you, ya know?” and then I started to run. I didn’t turn around to know he’d follow, I just knew he would.
“Finally!” I hear Quinn, Mirrea’s twin, scream as he steps into view. His senses must’ve picked up on Cabe already, he looked past me. “So―” he takes a speed step, moving too fast for us too see, so he was right in Cabe’s face. I heard him gasp. “Who’s the kid?”
I sighed, “Seriously, Quinn, don’t scare him off, he could be useful.” I look at Cabe, and wink. The Crew is made up of all my closest friends, but they were still under my command.
“Hey, Jen, what took you so long?” Mirrea asked, following up behind her brother. She was wearing long tights, pink and black strips, and a too-too― big and fluffy. Her eyes had so much eye liner she could be considered a raccoon. Her hair was cut in a scene style, with coon tail highlights― she was the ultimate punk-emo.
Without the wrist cutting, of course.
“Well, we walked here,” I said, the four of us heading toward the bridge. “My car’s at Drakes’, so I’ll need a ride there tonight.”
She nodded, and then froze. A smile spread across her face as she took her bracelet off, and lifted her hand to the sky. A dark, black ball of shadows concentrated there, and then was flung out into the night.Cabe gasped, and I shushed him― this was my favorite part of the meeting. The time everyone shows up. Mirrea just loves to spew up trouble. She turned to smile at us, waiting until the fire hits the target, and her eyes were glowing a shiny black.
Cabe took a step back, I looked at him, and he was actually afraid.
“Don’t worry,” I told him. “This is normal for us.”
He nodded, and looked back at Mirr. She was staring into the sky, and suddenly did a speed step to the right, just as fire hit the wood of the bridge.
“Geesh,” Quinn said. “Do you two really need to go destroying this thing?” he stepped forward, and felt the bridge where it was now singed.
A girl, around my age, landed on the railing. Her blonde hair pulled tightly into a ponytail, her eyes dimming off from red, to her normal brown. She knelt down, and cocked her head to the side. Her smile was sly.“Well, Quinn, maybe they can build a new one, that is, if we destroy it,” she said to him, her voice sounding as deadly as ever.
He laughed, “Sure, Cassie, the city hasn’t remembered this place since that fire,” he leaned forward toward her. “And whose fault was that?”
She jumped down off of the railing, and shrugged, she opened her mouth.“I love you Quinn, I always have.” Her voice sounded, but it didn’t come out of her mouth.
I rolled my eyes, “Mat, come out.”
He laughed, still using Cassie’s voice. And then he was flipping over the railing, and sticking the landing right in front of my face. He yelled boo, and I wrapped my arm around his throat, rubbing my knuckle on his head.
“Say uncle,” I said to him.
“Never!” he screamed using my voice now. His body slowly transformed into a child’s, and I let go.
“Cheater!” I scream, slapping him.
He shifted back into his normal self, adding a baseball cap to his head. His hair changed back to its normal brown, and his eyes went from blue to green in an instant.“I’m sorry, Jen,” he shrugged. “Jus’ couldn’t help myself.”
I push him, and he just laughs at me. I look over at Cabe and he was almost surprised to see Mat shifting as much as fire coming out of a human being.“Mat can change voices, and shift into other people,” I told him, Mat gave his stupid smile. “It comes in pretty helpful at times.” I turn toward my Crew. “You guys, this is Cabe,” I motion toward him, and then point. “Okay, intro time, now.”
They all look at Cabe, who looked like he was about to pass out. They all smiled at him, and closed in.“Hey, not the ‘fang’ intro,” I tell them, stepping in between them and him. “The ‘hello, my name is’ intro.”They all seemed quite disappointed, but Mirrea stepped forward.
“Hey,” she said, waving her arm at him, the bracelet firmly in place. “My name’s Mirrea, but you can call me Mirr― Jen does,” she looked at me for a second, and I nodded. “Well, as you’ve probably seen, my power’s shadow― sweet huh?”
He nodded slowly, “Totally.”
Mirr smiled, and skipped next to me. Quinn stepped forward, playing with his bracelet.“Quinn, hey,” he waved awkwardly once, and started to turn. I glared at him. “Fine, fine― my powers pretty sweet, and I don’t wanna scare the crap outa you, so―”
“Yeah,” Mat said, stepping forward. “Plants are so deadly.”
Quinn sighed, “They are, and, dude, you don’t wanna play tag with a deadly dandelion― trust me.”
Mat burst into laughs, and Quinn tackled him, wrestling him to the ground. “Well,” I said, settling down on the ground, everyone― other than the two boys― gathered around me, in a little circle. “I think that we should start the meeting.”
“Why today? It’s usually tomorrow?” Cassie asked, and then looked over at Cabe. She reached her hand out, and Cabe shook it. “Hey, I’m Cassie― fire and all that.”Cabe nodded, but didn’t say anything.
“Well,” I said, directing everyone’s attention back to me. The sound of the wrestling still going on in the background. “We’re having it today, because I have Cabe here. And well, we have an interesting story.” We told them about Cabe and the two Imps― not leaving out that the one, Bruno, was a Demi-demon. And I got some praise out of that.
“No way!” Mat screamed, now sitting in the circle with us. “Seriously?”
Cabe nodded, “He’s a Demi-demon, but it must’ve been recently that he was changed.” I look at him. “Well, I remember him just being a normal Imp, that’s it.”
I sigh, “Well, maybe he wasn’t a full Demi, but at least he was one,” a sly smile crosses my face. “I could use this to get more fame.”
“Are you famous at your school?” Cabe asked.
Mat nods, “Yeah, she is― we call her the Dragon of five,” he nudges me with his shoulder. “The head mistress of Drake, she picked her because of the amount of Chi, or her soul power, she had. And that usually alters into just normal power.”
I shrug, “Well, I may have the power of five, but my Chi is one in itself.”
“What’s the power of five?” Cabe asks, watching me with questioning eyes.
“Well,” Quinn says, leaning back on his hands watching the sky. “There’s this old myth―”
“Nooooo,” Mirrea squeals, and flops back onto the grass. “Not this story again.”
“Settle, settle. It’s quite interesting, actually.” Quinn reassures Cabe.
“Yeah,” Cassie mumbles. “Unless you’ve heard it a million and one times.”
Quinn glared at her, “Anywho, the story goes, that, way back when the war between the two groups of vampires had just started, there was this group of vampires, Harks. They each possessed the power of an element, fire, earth, water, air, and spirit. They were called the Five. Each went to war, and were killed― all at the same moment,” I look over at Cabe, and he was listening intently. I smile, and lay back to watch the stars, listening to Quinn’s story telling voice. “And then, a year later, a single vampire was born with all five powers. He was dubbed the name Dragon, and he won countless battles, only to be killed by the one whom he loved. No one knows the true reason she killed him, but there are many books on theories. I’ve read quite a few myself, and―”
“Okay, story time over,” Cassie said, and then turning toward me. “Is there anything else?”
I rub at my chin, and look at Cabe― he was watching me with such an open expression that I was almost jealous. I could never seem that vulnerable in front of people, not even my closest friends.
I sigh, and realize that this was a complete waste of time. I opened my eyes, and looked at the moon. It was about ten thirty, and I was starting to get worried about going home.
07-30-2009 11:12 AM
Interesting new excerpt! I know it's a rough draft, but you are keeping up the momentum, and you introduced some interesting new characters. But I did get confused in places:
1) If Doug is her "new" step-uncle, are Freddie and Allison his children? Or do they belong to a previous step-uncle? I'd also like to see some clarifying sentence about whether or not her aunt and step-uncle are also vamps? Her immediate family had been, and her aunt is obviously a sister to one of her dead parents.
2) I couldn't follow the bracelet-burning-the-bridge thing. What was the purpose of that? And this mysterious bracelet needs to be explained more. Does she get it back, or does she get another one? And from whom, or how?
3) The arrival of the others for their "meeting" was a little confusing too. I'd like to see more description on these other magical folk. Maybe a quick sentence or so, on how she originally met them.
4) The saga about Dragon is interesting. I'd leave a teaser or hint, that the Dragon might be your heroine, or Cabe. (Or was that what you did with the explanation of how the kids at St. Drake's call her "Dragon of Five"?)
5) Your line at the end that the meeting had been a "complete waste of time" has no pay-off. What did she expect or anticipate would happen, since she is obviously disappointed?
6) Why is she suddenly worried about getting home? Doesn't she have her own "unofficial entrance" to her bedroom thru a window? (Maybe a lock on her door too? So her aunt and uncle have no idea if she's in there or not?)
Once again, a very interesting first draft! Keep going, and I look forward to more excerpts.
08-03-2009 09:39 PM
Mat raised his hand, “I’ll bring you, but what about Cabe?”
I look at him, he seemed a little afraid to be around us. He looked at me, and smiled― his fear seemed to be gone. I stand up, and he did too.
“Well, do you want a ride home?” I ask him, everyone watching us.
He shrugged, and looked up at the sky, a small smile playing on his lips.
“Not that I’m normally this nice!” I snap, and he just smiles more. “Fine, we’re leaving, come Mathew.”
He salutes the rest of the Crew, as we all separate. And then Mat and Cabe are following behind me, whispering amongst themselves.
"I have a question," Cabe ask Mat.
"This is just completely random, but why do each of you have a bracelet on? I saw, um, Mirr take hers off when she―"
"Aw, right, well most Harks don't have special powers like we all do. You see, we were first put together in a special's training class, where we each we chose to wear these bracelets until we can control our powers accordingly. Though me and Jen, here, have been best buds since kindergarten, right Jen?"
I just grunt a reply, and continue walking. I just knew that Doug would be on my tail for, one, tonight's little outburst, and two, having an attitude about it. Which he'll probably get from my little music card, too. Though i just love to piss him off, the end results can end up being 'grounded', sure, from my car. And no body wants that!I just dicide to put those thoughts behind me, and just concentrate on the now. I can see Mat’s car in the distance, and I decide to quick step my way over there and―
―then I’m sitting on the car hood, waiting for the two guys to catch up. Mat throws me his keys, and I slide into the drivers’ seat.
“Better buckle up, Cabe,” Mat says, buckling himself into the passenger seat, leaving Cabe in the back.My thumb traces the steering wheel. I love Mat’s car, almost as much as I love mine. But Camaroes[i really have no idea how to spell it at the moment XD sorry!] are a close second to Mustangs, I guess you could say I love speed. I pump the gas, just for the sound of the accelerator.
“Why?” Cabe asked, buckling in.
I smile at him in the rear view mirror, “You have a lot to learn about me, Cabe.”
And then I put it in drive, pettal to the metal, and then I was listening to the squeal of tires as I pull away from the curb.
08-14-2009 01:09 PM
Hi ChaCha! I've been busy, and I apologize for how long it took for me to get to your latest excerpt. (I had to retrieve it from the the next page -- so I'm feeling guilty!)
An interesting excerpt, and I can see you clarified some things I found confusing last time. Just a few more comments.
1) At first you say your heroine needs a ride back to St. Drake's. Then she offers Cabe a ride home. And finally, she seems to be thinking about going home, and having to deal with Doug. So exactly where is she going first?
2) I'd like to see more description of Mat's car, that your heroine likes so much. Color, texture, special features. Let the readers share the experience of her love for that car.
3) These magical bracelets are interesting, and I'd love to see more explanation. Exactly how do the bracelets help them control their powers? And I'd like to see more description of these bracelets. Are they all identical? Or does each bracelet have the wearer's initials on it? Maybe each bracelet has a different jewel, or other secret identification of the person who wears it? Does Mirr get her bracelet back? If so, how?
4) You had a tantalyzing reference to them all having been in a "specials' training class". I'm anxious to see more explanation of that. How were they chosen for that? If St. Drake's is only a high school, exactly where did they all share that class/training? And who chose them and why? (Was there a test of some kind? Or were they all observed using their out-of-control powers?) This "class" is still together, now as a group. What other activities do they share, besides backing each other up or protecting each other?
5) I'd also like to see more explanation of her feelings toward Cabe. Is he a budding romantic interest? Does he represent competition, or a potential source of conflict for her with her other male "crushes"? Or does she just see him as the brother she never had? (Although that seems to be the relationship she already has with Mat.)
Overall, very interesting! I'm anxious to read more, and I'll try to be more prompt with my comments next time.
08-31-2009 09:43 PM
Grr! I feel so stupid haha, such weird mistakes, huh? I'll have to clearify those in future post
Thanks for the help!!
08-31-2009 09:44 PM
so sorry there hasn't been any post lately!! School jus sucks haha XD. and remember--this is a rough draft, so i have a lot of typos and such so you'll have to deal for the time being
I heard a banging on my door, and looked at clock― 9:30. I know that, in stories, vampires sleep during the day, well, that’s not all true. You see, we are just like normal people, we may not sleep all day― but we do not like to wake up on a Saturday this early!
I lazily crawl out of my bed, and sway over to the door. I open it to see Allison standing there, holding one of her magazines― it was all wet.
“Yes, Allison?” I ask, leaning against the door frame.
Here eyes were narrowed; her hair in curlers, and her makeup was askew. She looked just like Frankenstein’s wife at the hair dressers.
She lifted the magazine to me, and her glare deepened. “Did you leave this out?”
I look closer at the magazine, it was Seventeen, a magazine I wouldn’t really care to read. Not that I read magazines at all.
“Well, guess what?” she said, throwing the wet magazine to the floor. “Sparky peed on it!” I bit my lip to hold back my smile; she pointed a finger at me. “Don’t you dare laugh at me! You know very well that those magazines are important to me!”
“Al,” I say, putting my hand on her shoulders. “You’re not even seventeen yet.”
I walk around her, and head into the kitchen.
I lift my nose, and sniff the air― something was wrong.
“Freak!” Allison screamed, stepping around me. “What are you doing smelling the air?” she looks at me with discriminating eyes. “I can’t believe you’re related to me.”
“Believe it, Alli.” Fred comes up, hitting her on the head with a folded up newspaper.
She growled out in anger, “I hate this family!” and with that― she stomped to her room, Fred and I waited for the moment― and there it was, the door slamming. Freedom.
We both let out our breaths, and I smile at Fred. “That was a close one, she could’ve bite our heads off she seemed so mad.”
He laughed, and sat down in the couch. “Yeah, she totally just got dumped by her loser boyfriend—aka, time we move our asses away from her.”
I nodded, and looked around the room, not feeling a slight bit sad for her at the moment. That smell wasn’t strong enough to be in the house. I walked around in search of something, just in case it was just a weak smelling drop of blood, or a cursed animal.
“What do you smell?” Fred asked, looking at me over the paper.
I stopped, stood up straight, and looked at him expressionless. No one new of my being a vampire, Hark or not, it would still be a big blow. Even if there are no rules to telling humans of our world, I have decided not to let them take the oath to protect our secret. But, sometimes, it seems like they already know.
Like this one.
“None of your beeswax,” I stepped around the chair, and started toward the fridge. “Find you own wax, and buzz off.”
He laughed, “I was just thinking that you smelt the candy bars I bought,” my head slowly appeared from around the fridge, my glare at him was threatening. He looked at me, and laughed; he reached behind the chair, and pulled out a bag. “Here they are―”
I dove over the couch, taking the bag in my clutches, “Mine, you fool!”
I stand up, and wipe off the invisible dust from my sweat pants. I take a deep breath, and walk toward my room.
“I didn’t see anything,” Fred say, sounds of the paper.
“Like Hell you didn’t,” I mumble without turning around.
“Hey,” he calls, stopping me just short of my bedroom door. “Did you hear sirens last night?”
I shook my head, “No, I wasn’t expecting any police― can’t say that for Al, though.”
He shrugged, “Well, you do sleep like a rock, and―”
“What about it, Fred?”
“Well,” he sighed, standing up to stretch his back. “Our neighbor, Miss McKesson―”
“The old hag?” I ask. “Yeah, what about her?”
“Well, she was murdered last night, in her own home― how awful is that?”
I gape at him, slowly turning around to face him, the bag sliding from my greedy grasp. “Did you say that the police are still at the house?”
He shook his head, “No, I didn’t say that, but, yeah, they are.” I had already started running, jumping over the couches to get to the door. “Wait! Jen, where are you―”
I was already through the door before he finished. And when the morning breeze hit me, it felt like a punch in the gut. The air reeked of death― and Imps. I gripped the railing of the porch, holding my hand over my mouth. The stench was burning my eyes, but I had to see for myself.
I swallowed my tears of disgust, and ran across the road. I saw one ambulance, police cars with their silent lights rotating in their shields. I hid behind the ambulance, listening for footsteps― but they were all in or near the house. I stepped around the open doors of the big, white van to see Miss McKesson’s body under a white sheet.
I’ve seen many deaths; I’ve practically lived my life around it. But I could never really grasp the thought of another human, not me being one of them, of course, being under that white sheet because of an Imp. It was probably my smell that drew them closer, too, and her being so old, no offense to the old hag, was probably a main point for her being a target.
I swallowed, breathing through my mouth, and pulled back the sheet. Her face seemed so calm, but her neck torn near the shoulder, all the way down her arm. The blood had dried, and I started to form questions in my mind― when did this happen? Why didn’t I sense it? My fingers slowly brushed at her shoulder, I could feel the deep fang holes, dug deep and pulled down. My anger rose, and peaked as I remember this crazy old lady and her cats― oh the cats, what’ll happen to them?
“Hey!” a man screamed, and I heard footsteps coming.
My eyes ignited as I awoke my momentary power, and kissed my old neighbor on the forehead, leaving the mark of the Dragon himself, engraved into her skin. A power I awoke on my thirteenth birthday. Of course, no human would be able to see this, and among all Harks, it is a symbol of peace. But for Imps, it’s the equivalent of a threat. A deadly one, at that, and all Imps should be smart to fear his mark― my mark― if they wished to live. But they wouldn’t, of course, if they were to cross my path.
I turned to leave, my eyes glowing with rage, and power as I walked with the gracefulness of a Hark, but the dangerousness of an Imp toward my home.
09-02-2009 11:13 PM
Less than fifteen minutes later, I had sped my way almost two miles to St. Drakes, and was now prowling through the halls. My anger was sure to be clear on my face, students and teacher recoiled from me. My hair was flailing from my face in a wave of black, and my hands were clenched so tightly, I was sure that my nails were carving holes in my skin.
I stopped right outside the door to the head mistress's office, and I knew perfectly well that the board of Harks would be in there. But they all knew me, raised me from the time of my vampire birth, and they all knew how to tolerate my moody outbursts.
I exploded through the door, “Explain yourselves!” I bellow, everyone other that the head mistress herself, Deana Moonkin, jumped at the sudden burst of, well, me. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me that there was an Imp in my neighborhood?” I stepped forward, banging my hands down on the table, staring into the eyes of the woman who changed me. Her expression stayed somber, too serious for me. “Don’t you guys have, like, a tracker for those bastards?!”
“He― hello there Jenna―” stammered George, the newest member to this little group.
“SHUT UP!” I yell at him, turning my death glare on the man. He jumped at the sight of me, and it made me smile― on the inside. I turned back to HM. “Why didn’t you tell me about it, or better yet, why didn’t you tell anyone to be there?”
I took a deep breath, I could hear voices out in the hall― listening. I turned, and put every ounce of anger into my eyes as I looked at the students in the hall. One boy actually screamed, and bolted from sight.
My gaze shifted from girly men, to daunting Mrs. Mookin. “Please,” I said, my voice a plea, but still with an edge of ice just dripping from my words. “Just tell me why you would risk the life of my family, and myself, for a friggin’ IMP!?”
She slowly lifted herself from her chair, and grabbed my face between her hands, how she did so many times as I was growing up to show me instruction or just to smile.
“My dear Jenna,” she said, her purple tinted eyes looked so young compared to how old she really was― no offence to her. “I am sorry that this has happened, but we cannot just tell you why we did this― it is confidential.”
My anger reseeded into her, one of her many powers she possesses. My knees felt weak as she drained just a little too much, and she let my face go.
“Now, Jenna,” she said, waving her arm around to show me the board― their faces still in fear. “Do you have something to say to your elders?”
I look at each one of them, and point to each individual one. “You need to fix your comb over, you need to lose some weight― no offense, and you need some serious medical attention for that twitch, my dear elder.” I look at the newest one, George, and smile. He swallows. “And you, you live with your mother, this is the only job you can grasp, other than you job as an exotic dancer― which you failed so miserably at, and your account name on your dating website is LadiesHunk007, did I miss anything now?”
“Leave now, Jenna.” HM said, rubbing her temples.
I straiten up, and head toward the door, “Fine, but you all know you’ll miss me,” I look at the newbie once more. “Welcome to Drake, I’m the leader of the Crew, and the peppiest goll, darn girl you’ll ever find.” I say, added girly to my voice. “And your newest nightmare.” I give him a wink, before shutting the door.
I lean up against the back of the door, and sigh. I’ve always hated HM’s power over emotions. I loved to be mad, to have something pushing me to do what I want. And at this moment― I wanted to go and give that little boy a hug for scaring him― WHAT THE HELL?!
I turn my head, and see Otis― his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes glaring from across the hall. I swallow, and wave at him.
“Hey― hey there Otis,” I step closer. “How’s it going?”
He just looked at me, and started to tap his foot.
I rub at my head in the awkward silence, “So, what are you doing this Friday?”
He rolls his eyes, “You tell me, Jenna.”
I force a smile, “Um, let me take a guess here, are you—”
“I’ll be investigating a Demi-demon kill.” His eyes could’ve burned holes into me, I swallowed. “Do you know anything about that?”
I gasp, “Pshh, a, um, pshh!” I sputter, trying to act like I have no clue what he was talking about—though I totally knew what he was talking about. “I can’t believe you’d just guess it was me! How about another student, have you checked who was in the area, huh?”
“Yes. I did.” His voice could’ve dripped ice it was so cold. “And the only person any where near that place was—” he pointed at me. I turn around, and there was no one. I turn to him, and point at myself. He nods, and puts his hand down.
“But it could’ve been anyone!” some people started to look at us funny, and Otis glared at them and they scurried away.
Which reminded me—I wonder if that kid I scared is ok? Wait!? I don’t care! I’m Jenna—the Ice Queen!
I turn my attention back to Otis, and felt my anger from before return. An evil smile crosses my face, and I take a step toward him. “And why would it matter if I killed this demon?”
He looked almost surprised, if anything, shocked that I was being to forward on this. I laughed on the inside.
“Um, first off—I told you not to go there,” he still looked pissed, but to a lower extent, and I was starting to get the feeling that he didn’t really care about one thing—but the other.
“So,” I said, walking toward him, arms crossed. I knew I looked fierce, my eyes penetrating his. It was really my interrogation mode—but I guess it worked! “This isn’t about my disobeying you, is it? It’s that you didn’t want me hurt, isn’t it?” he stayed silent, my smile turned sly. “Oh, that’s sweet—or!—was it because you wanted to kill it yourself, and take all the glory?” his eyes twitched, but stayed he silent still. “Ah, I think I got you on that one. Well, whatever.” I waved my hand in dismissal of the subject—I was on a roll, and just didn’t care. “So? Wanna hang out?”
I was afraid he wouldn’t answer, but he eventually loosened up, and sighed. “Jenna—”
“I know—busy, busy, busy,” I stuck my tongue out at him. “Getting old must suck really badly, from what I’ve heard.”
I turned to walk away, but his hand shot out and stopped me. “I need to know, Jenna.”
I looked from his face, to his hand, and back again. What the hell? I guess I just wasn’t in the mood, and just did not need to deal with his immature ways.
Did I just think that? Hmm, I must be maturing.
“Did you kill that Demi-demon?” he asked, his voice was pleading, but his eyes—his eyes almost scared me.
“And what if I did?” I asked, his hand tightened around my wrist.
“Nothing would—happen.” He said, “I just need to know.”
I glared at him for another second, an agonizing second for him, I guessed, and yanked my hand away. “Yes,” his eyes widened in surprise—just a little. “Yes I killed it, Otis. Who really cares?”
And with that—I walked out of the school
09-06-2009 07:26 PM
I was still really pissed off by the time I got home. Al was still mad, but she stayed clear of me once she saw the anger on my face—the whole family did. So, once I was in my room, I blare my radio, and lay down on my bed.
“God, this is annoying,” I mumble into my pillow, and start to hum along with the song on the radio.
I still really wanted to beat the pulp out of something, so I reached into my pocket to get my phone. I opened up the internet—against my aunt’s wishes—and found what Drake wanted me to kill. I found one—and it was on East Street. I smiled as I claimed it as my own, and scrolled down to read more. I found some low level Imps, and chose a few of those. And then I found one near where Cabe lives—‘highly dangerous’ it said. Roy.
I click the button fast, and change even faster—wait? Is that even possible? Well, I guess it is, because I walked out of my room in full blown killing outfit—and Fred was right there.
He couldn’t control his laughter, “What Jen? Gotta corner that needs your service?”
I was in no mood, so I quick stepped to him, and held him up to the wall with force.
“If you tell anyone about this,” I pulled out a small blade, and showed him the light that shown off of it. “I’m guessing you know what’ll happen.”
He was scared. That much I could tell, and I didn’t like it that it was me he was afraid of. I sighed angrily, and pulled him into my room. I shut the door, and locked it behind me. I turned away from him, and started to rifle through my drawers.
“Wha—what the hell Jen?” he stuttered, I turned to look at him. He looked like a little kid—his glasses were askew, and his face was flushed with fear. I almost smiled just to fill the awkward silence.
“I’ll tell you some time,” I said, I pull some sweat pants over my boots, shorts, and the many tools and weapons that were strapped to my leg. I didn’t bother with the top, I just put on a baggy sweat shirt, and I started toward the window.
“Where are you going?!” he asked, I just continued out the window.
“Places—now can you close this when I’m done?” he hesitated, but nodded. “Oh! I’ll call you when I need you to open it again, got that?”
“Yeah, but Jenna—“
“Not now, work to do.” I nod to him, and run across the grass to my car, not waiting to listen to his protests.
09-06-2009 07:28 PM
I was smiling when I walked into the bar. I had killed five Imps already, and I wanted to kill more than I ever had before. As I walked in, I got some whistles, and some looks. I know, I’m only seventeen, but I was here to meet some one—or, rather, find someone. I scanned the small crowd, and there was no sign of Roy.
I flop down into a chair, and take out my handy dandy notebook. It was just a pad of paper, don’t worry, no Blues Clues connection there. I had five marked down, and one to go—and sadly enough, the one on East Street wasn’t Roy, or a Demi. But a pathetic excuse for an Imp. Sigh.
“M’am?” I turned around to see a cute guy. Brown hair with—was that died highlights?—and a smile on his face. Yeah, I know, he screamed danger at me. In most of the books I read, the strangers in bars always ended up being a bad guy. But this guy wasn’t.
He was a Hark
I smile at him, “Well hello there.”
He smiles back, and sits across from me. “You look a little young to be in a bar, don’t ya think?”
“Pshh, so?” his smile was really cute, I couldn’t help but notice it. “And I didn’t come here to drink, just to find someone.”
“Anyone I’d know?” he asked, looking around.
“Maybe,” he looked at me, waiting. “What? It’s Drake’s mission, I don’t want you stealing my win.”
He laughed, and then stopped short. “Did you say Drake’s? St. Drake’s Academy?”
I narrowed my eyes, cautious. “Yeah, what about it?”
His smile turned brilliant, “I graduated from there, what grade you in?”
“Senior, finally.” I watched as a waitress walked past, and looked at the guy.
“What’s your favorite class?”
I shrug, “It was self defense class, but since I’m a senior, and I’m at the top of my class already, I don’t have to go to class.”
He nods, “Did you take Human anatomy class?”
I laugh, “But of course! We all have to learn that one way or another right?” he nods, and laughs with me. “But my least fav class was Hark History, the science of our anatomy. Boor-ring!”
“Yeah, well I didn’t like the weapons training one, I always got something in my eyes. That is, until, I learned to be the best!”
He smiled at me, and I glared. “I bet I could kick your ass.”
“Hmm, wanna bet on that?”
I smile at him as another waitress walks by, eyeing him again.
“Hey, if I gave you money, would you buy me a drink?”
He thought on it for a second, and then nodded. “But I’ll pay for it, and it has to be nonalcoholic.” He waves the waitress back over, and orders a coke and himself a beer. He looked back to me, and stuck out his hand, I shook it almost automatically. “The names Cody, how ‘bout you?”
I settle back into my chair, and sigh. “Jenna and I finally remember who you are.”
He raises an eye brow. “Really, who am I then?”
“You’re Cody Bach, the school’s toughest, most popular Imp killer in the parts.”
He laughs slightly, “Well, I guess you do know who I am.”
“And I know this because I beat you.”
“I beat you, your record, I beat it.”
“No kidding?!” he laughs, and slaps the table. “So you’re the Jenna I was told about, great job kiddo, I was wondering why no one beat it yet. By how many?”
I shrug, “Numbers aren’t important.”
“Ah, come on.” he pleads, and his eyes sparkled with excitement.
“Fine, if you don’t call me kiddo—I’m not that much younger than you, anyway.” He nods, and I lean forward. “Your record was fifty-seven Imps in five days, seventy-two in a week, and four Demi-demons in five days. Pretty good,” he nods, listening.
“And which one did you beat?” he asked, leaning forward.
“Sir,” the waitress interrupts, eyeing me with her eyes. I smiled at her, trying to look older. She set the drinks down, and Cody handed her a twenty—that was a big tip, I was guessing. He waved her off, and looked back to me.
“So, how many did you beat?” he asked, his face smiling.
“Only the first two, I’ve only killed one Demi, not many chances.” I shrug, taking a drink from my coke. “I guess I still need to prove myself worthy of getting the password for the Demi-demon section of the gig page on the website.”
He nods, “I understand, and that’s pretty impressive.”
“Why thank you,” I take another drink from the glass.
He leans closer, “I wasn’t allowed to kill Demi’s either. I had to steal the password from a teacher to get access.”
I was surprised; he seemed like such a goody-goody. Hmm. I guess this is where the phrase ‘don’t read a book by its cover’ comes in.
“Really?” I mumble, he leans back, and crosses his arms over his—muscular—chest. I try not to stare, realizing that his shirt fit him so well; you could see the muscles through it. I swallow, oh boy.
09-06-2009 07:31 PM
“Yeah,” I say, trying to seem older as a group of people walked by. “I knew it.”
He gaped, “What?”
“I just knew that you’d tell me something like this, so now I want to know what the password is, and you’ll want me to promise something in order to get it. Right?”
He smiles slowly. “Huh, I underestimated you, Jenna. You really know how to read people.”
I shrug, “Jus’ a talent—what are you doing?”
He pulled out a sheet of paper, and a pen. “What? You wanted the password, right?”
“Yeah, but what do you want in return?” I ask, he starts to write something out, and when he was done, he hands it to me.
“Here,” I take it and look down—damn, it was instructions on how to get it.
“What the hell?” I mumble, looking from the back to the front again.
“Hey, you have to work for it.”
“Is that the catch?” he shrugs. “Whatever, more fun for me,” I take a long sip of my coke; my eyes ran over the instruction. “Well, this is easy as pie.”
“Have you ever made pie?” he asks. “I have—and it’s not that easy.”
I laugh despite of myself.
He looks down at his watch, and jumps up. “Oh, I have to go.” He starts away, but stops. He comes back to the table, and gives me another piece of paper.
“What’s this?” I ask, looking at it, not grabbing the small square.
“Do you still think numbers aren’t important?” I shrug. “Well, this is my number—for help, and all that. Take it.”
I smile and grab the white square, and put it with the other. “Well, how kind, Cody.”
He shrugs, and leans in closer. “Stay away from him.” He whispers into my ear.
“He’s not who you think he is,” he dropped a piece of ripped paper in my lap, and stood straight. “Good night Jenna.” And then he left, and I realized he hadn’t even taken a drink from his beer.
09-06-2009 07:39 PM
I look down at the paper; it had initials on it CR. Who the heck…? Cabe. What was Cabe’s last name? Darn, I don’t know. I shoved the three pieces of paper into my pocket, and started to get up—when a drunken man stepped right into my path.
“Move it, Bozo, not in the mood.” I snapped, and pushed him out of the way. He laughed, and, oh God, did he stink.
“I like ‘em feisty,” he purred, disgustingly, I may add, and slapped my butt. I stopped short, him and his buddies started to laugh, I turned around. “And—oh!—look what she’s wearin’ boys,” I look down, and notice that I only had my cami and sweats on. The cami wasn’t all too reviling, but it still wouldn’t be aloud at school. I was just glade all my gear was in my car. “I think she’s callin’ out to us.”
I smile at him, “You old guys need to get a life—before I take it.”
I turned around, and suddenly felt someone grab my ass. That’s it. I swung around, and slam my fist into the closest guy. He flew back into the crowd, and there were gasps throughout the small room.
“Leave me the hell alone, pigs,” I spit at him, and ran out of there before the manager caught up with me.
Once in my car, I decided to stop by Cabe’s apartment. I guess Roy could wait, and—surprise!—I i wasn't in the killing mood anymore. It was really just to cool down my nerves, and, well, they’re cooled. So I shift into drive, and zoom down to East Street.
09-08-2009 05:36 PM
Boy, you've been as busy as me! I'm glad you kept writing, instead of waiting after each excerpt for feedback. You definitely have a handle on your story by now, and first drafts are usually just to get the story down, with revisions later.
I like your better-defined, bolder heroine, who is still feminine enough to wear a cami and admit to romantic feelings for one guy or the other. I just have a few tidbits, as always, that I hope will help your story along:
1) The bit about the step-sister and her make-up and Seventeen magazine were funny. If I were you, I'd allude to her being one of the Princesses in your heroine's high school. Maybe even mention it in your School As Kingdom early excerpt, that your heroine was unhappily related to one of the Princesses.
2) In a later excerpt, you mentioned how your heroine could smell something Fred couldn't. I'd clarify that. Are all of her senses heightened? Because she's a vampire? Or, because of her family's murder, she is especially sensitive to the smell of blood or death?
3) The excerpts where she deals with the neighbor's murder, and the allusions to it being an "inside job" by St. Drake's instructors, were an interesting twist. Then you just dropped that storyline. Are you going to pick it up again and weave it into your overall story? Maybe you could use the incident to show a chink in your heroine's armor, that's she's secretly more fearfull now. Is her new family in danger, because of the neighbor's murder? Just who might show up at her house in response to the Curse Mark she put on the victim's forehea?.
4) You've got a lot of interesting guys popping in and out, that she might be interested in romantically. But I'm having trouble keeping track of them: Conner? Cabe? Cody? You need to clarify her feelings for each, like the guy in the bar warning her away from one of them (unnamed). As in real life, maybe she really likes different qualities in each. She's infatuated with Conner, the Class Hunk. But she'd chose Cody or Cabe if she needed help battling a Imp.
Overall, nicely done. It continues to be an interesting paranormal story, and the mixed-genre thing you've got going with the romance and murder-mystery are fun to read. Keep it up! I'll pop in when I have time to give some feedback.
09-19-2009 09:36 PM
“Hmm,” I scratched at my chin, and looked at the chart. I had a one in fifty chance of hitting the right buzzer, and getting Cabe’s room. Well, I guess I do have all night—it’s only seven thirty. I hit a random buzzer, and an angry voice answers.
“Who the heck is it? I wasn’t expecting anyone?”
“Oh, sorry dude—wrong button—“
“Don’t hit my button again!” and then the voice was gone.
“Geeze,” I mumble, and rub my hands together. “Please let me have magic so I can pick his room.”
I poke another button, and growl when it’s not him.
“Yeah, um wrong—hey, do you know a Cabe who lives here?”
There was no reply for a second, “Yeah, my neighbor—I think, sorta keeps to himself.”
So close, “Ah, thanks, sorry to bother you.”
“No prob.” And then there was silence. And I realize she didn’t tell me which neighbor. Darn, ah, whatever.
I poke the left button, and I hear the sweet relief of Cabe’s voice. “Hello?”
“Yoness, it’s me.” I say, leaning against the wall.
“And that’s who, exactly?” he mumbled.
“Just open the damn door, Cabe, its Jenna.” I say, smiling.
“Oh—Oh! Come in.”
There was a long buzzing noise, and the door unlocked. It took more than five minutes to find the elevator, get up to his floor, remember his door number, and find it. When I finally knocked on the door, he opened it.
“Took you long enough?” he said, smiling, the band-aid gone from his forehead.
“Sorry,” I mumble, not feeling like being sarcastic at the moment. “Got lost—did you know you have an extremely angry Chinese man two doors down? Yeah, I just thought you should know he doesn’t like me that much.”
His smile widens, and turns to the side. “Wanna come in?”
I nod, and realize—this is the first time I’ve ever been alone with a boy who I didn’t work with, or live with. It was a weird feeling, knowing that he was following me to the living room. I past by the kitchen, and saw that it was really clean—and I mean really clean. My clean, even.
And that’s saying something.
“So,” he said, sitting down on the couch. “What do ya want?”
“Well,” I said, still standing in the middle of the room. It looked normal—nothing Imp like. Which reminded me, I still had to check up on him being ‘a fallen angel’ or whatever the heck he had said. “I just wanted to know what your last name was.”
He looked confused for a second, opened his mouth, and closed it again. My eyes went to his, they looked troubled. “Derricks, why?”
I shrug, and pull out the slip of paper with the initials on it. “I met this guy, and he told me to—stay away from this CR guy, do you know a CR by any chance?” I was watching him carefully, and he watched me back. He didn’t seem to react much—other than the little flutter of his heart beat.
09-19-2009 09:38 PM
“No, I don’t.” he said, in an ‘end of story’ tone. I gapped—he just stood up to me. This boy just keeps getting weirder and weirder.
“Whatever,” I shrug, and look around the room. “Stupid anyway, do you have any food?”
I didn’t wait for an answer, and started toward the kitchen.
“Wait!” he yelped, and jumped in between me and the kitchen.
“I—I don’t want you going through my drawers.” He stammered.
I smiled at him, and poked him in the chest. “What? Got some stuff to hide? Like what?” I look behind him. “You wouldn’t hide anything evil in your kitchen, right? I heard evil makes your food taste bad.”
“I just don’t want you going in there.”
I glare at him, and look down at his garbage. Something catches my eye, and I pull it out. “What’s this?” I flip it over. “Hey, I know this cross!”
A black cross. It was the company that gave vamps blood—only if they had connections. It was an empty bag, but it still smelt like blood. And I wanted some—so bad.
“Where’d ya get this?” I ask, throwing the bag back into the garbage.
He hesitated, and I realized that that must’ve been what he was hiding.
“That’s nothing to be ashamed of, by the way.” He looks at me. “All vamps need blood at times.”
He shrugs, “Well, my dad’s in the—the blood company—“
“No way?!” I squeal. “That’s some damn important information, there. Do you have anymore?”
He looked taken aback for a second, and I was happy to see him nod. He led me to a cupboard, and opened it to reveal a lot of black crossed bags. All filled with blood.
I licked my lips.
“Give me some,” I whisper, my eyes were glued to the bag he took down. Once he handed it to me, I tried not to rip it open to fast. “Where I live, I can’t bring blood in there because they don’t know I’m a Hark.”
He nods, “Must be hard,” he takes down his own bag, and heads toward the living room again.
I slurp some of the blood, the power trickling down my throat tasted almost too amazing; I had to yank my wrist away from my mouth to stop. I licked the stray drip that was now traveling down my chin.
“Totally, but I learn to cope with it.”
He nods, and I sit in the lazy boy across from him.
“So,” he said, leaning forward, his elbow on his knees. “Are those initials the only reason you came over here? Or is there something else?”
I thought on that, scratching my chin. “Well,” I sipped at my blood nonchalantly. “I was actually doing some business around here, so I thought that I would stop by and ask that.”
“Okay…” he sighed, like he was hoping for something different.
“And!” his eyes lit up a little. “I was hunting, you know, Drake stuff, and they said that there was an ‘extremely dangerous’ Imp ‘round these parts. Heard anything?”
He shrugs, and leans back, one arm slung behind the couch.
“Well, I was hoping that it was Roy, you know,” I smile, and I see in his face that he didn’t like where this was going. “A little bit of revenge—you see, this is where I’d laugh evilly, but I haven’t practiced for a while—“
“Jenna,” he interrupts, his face was stern, almost with worry. “This is my fight, stay out.”
I just stare at him, almost hurt. I thought he’d like the thought of me killing the one who wanted to kill him. Well, I guess our ‘friendship’ has a few limitations.
“Whatever,” I snap, my good mood was slowly deteriorating. “Do you have any video games?”
He sighs, and sits back nodding.
“Could we play some?” I ask, standing.
He just looks at me with his eyes; they were guarded now—not like how they were when he crawled through my window that first night. I just stare back, pretending that I was waiting for an answer, but I really wanted to get a reaction out of him.
He finally points to a cardboard box in the corner. “They’re in there, pick one out, and watch as I kick your butt.”
I look at him, that playful glow was back, and his eyes were teasing—but I couldn’t help but wonder.
I walked over to the box, and looked in. there was so many of my favorite games, that I almost squealed like a sissy girl.
Or like that guy I scared back at Drake. Ha.
I pick one out, and stick it in the counsel. I grab the two controllers, and join Cabe on the couch. He takes one of the controllers in his hands, and we just wait for the game to start.
09-19-2009 09:41 PM
After about two hours of the game Prisoner Escape, my fingers felt numb, and I swear to God that they’ll have blisters. He cooled down after about fifteen minutes, and boy was he right that he could kick my butt. But I didn’t grow up without video games, so I do know how to kick some butt on my own.
All in all, we were matched perfectly—we just couldn’t beat each other. I shot off one of the escaping prisoner’s head, and then turned toward Cabe.
“What time is it?” I ask.
“Um,” he pulls out his phone, and checks the time. “About nine thirty, why? What time do you need to be home?”
I shrug, and continue with the slaughter that was on the TV. “I don’t know, it’s a weekend, fun time. Why? Is it okay that I stay here a little longer?” I eye him skeptically.
“Of course it’s fine,” he looked away like he was about to blush. How cute. “But won’t your family want to know where you are?”
“Not really, I mean I want to be moving out of that God forsaken house soon, right? They better get used to me being gone.”
He laughs slightly, “Hey, I was meaning to ask you, what school you go to?”
“Because I’m going to this school called Oak Ridge High—”
I laugh, cutting him off. “I finally know someone!” I cheer for a few more seconds, before getting self conscious of the boy sitting next to me. I sit back down, and clear my throat. “Sorry, continue.”
He smiles at me, and right as he was going to say something, my phone goes off.
“Oh, one minute.” I hold up a finger, and answer my phone. “Hello?”
“Jenna, you have to come quick, it’s an emergency, and I don’t know who the hell these guys are—who just touched my ass?!” Mirr’s voice screeched through the phone, I heard many voices murmur in the background. “Okay, anyway—”
“Start from the beginning, Mirr.”
“Oh, well I was at Drake to pick up some mission money, and I walk in—and am bombarded by a bunch of guys wanting a damn mission!” Mirr was definitely on the verge of exploding, and I could barely hear the voices of guys in the background flirting.
“Mirr,” I said frantically. “Now don’t hurt anyone, I’ll—”
“You have to get down here, quick!” she said, I could hear many protests as she did something through the crowd. “One, I think you wanna get to know something about all this, and two, save me from all these older men.”
I laugh, and lay back on the couch, Cabe is watching me with questioning eyes. “I thought you liked older men?”
“Well, these ones are sweaty, and stinky, and just plain old not my type. Yo, yeah I’m talkin’ about you, now move your ass before I—” she paused, probably interrupted by one of the guys. “Oh you little—!” and then I heard the sound of her punching someone, and I jumped up from my seat.
“Mirr? Please tell me you did not just punch someone?”
I hear her laugh in the distance, but I think she might’ve dropped her phone, so I hang up.
“Cabe,” I say, putting my phone away, he sits up straighter, pausing the game. “Do you wanna come down to Drake with me? Or do you wanna stay here?”
He thought for a second, and he sighs. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, I mean I don’t even go there—”
I waved him off, and headed toward the door. “You can wait in the car.”
“Yeah, ok—wait? You’re driving? Can I drive?” he follows me, asking frantically.
“Oh, no, we need to get there fast,” I look at him, opening the door. “And I have a feeling that you don’t like to drive fast—is there a problem with my driving?”
He sighs, “No, but I just don’t want my death to have any kind of metal, fire, or the smell of burnt rubber.” He made a face, and I couldn’t help but smile at it.
He locked the door behind him, and we continued down the hall.
“So,” I said into the silence that followed us into the elevator. “I still have yet to learn about you, ya know?”
He laughed, and his eyes showed that wall that was there before. “Well, I guess you know that my dad works in the blood company,” I nod, and he sighs—sadly? “My—my mom was killed by…I guess who isn’t important.” He looks away from me for a second before continuing. “I had a brother and a sister, my sister ch—is dead and I don’t know where my brother is.”
“That’s sad, I’m sorry Cabe,” I reach out a put my hand on his shoulder; he didn’t do anything but shrug. “I mean it, that’s sad—and you don’t have to hide that it is.”
“Who’s hiding it?” he laughed without humor, shaking off my hand. “I know that it’s sad, but I’m sick of caring about it, let’s go.”
Just as he said it, the elevator beeped once and the door opened. He stalks out of the building, finding my car with ease. I sigh, and pull my hand through my hair and go after him.
09-21-2009 04:06 PM
You story is coming along nicely. You've got a lot of elements to juggle, but it keeps the story moving. I just have a few suggestions:
1) I'd go for a little less dialogue, and a little more explanation in places.
2) I'd like to see some description of Cabe's apartment. What kind of furniture does he have? Is the decorating Just-Moved-Out-With-Thrift-Store-Funitu
3) The bags of blood with the black crosses on them were interesting. Does his father have a company? Store-front or only mail-order? What's the company's name?
4) You probably need to drop in a line or two explaining Roy, since his menace is what binds your heroine to Cabe at the moment. (And in a book with a lot of in-and-out characters, like yours, you may need to do a line or two of description when they appear, so your audience can be brought up to speed. I'd prefer that to a List of Characters in the back, since it's distracting to have to keep jumping to the back of the book to remember who is who.)
5) And I didn't understand the "older guys looking for a mission" bugging Mirr. Who are these guys? Why did they all show up for missions? Maybe they are all graduates of Drake, and had nothing better to do on a Saturday night? Maybe current students, like your heroine, have trounced all the records for killing demons set when these guys were in school, and they want "back in the game"?
6) And I'd choose a better name for the computer game your heroine plays with Cabe. Something to hint at a possible romance, or where their relationship is at this moment. Something like INTO THE HEART OF DARKNESS, or DEMONS AT WAR, or CASTLE OF BLOOD AND SECRETS. You get the idea...
Hope this helps. I look forward to reading more excerpts. Good Luck!