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AMORA
Posts: 7
Registered: ‎05-25-2012

this is a paragraph from a story I am writing , tell me what you think!(please no crusing, thanks)

"Long ago before the kingdom of Nefig existed the land was ruled by a horde of gaints...they raided the land distorting everything and destroying any form of life that raomed the land of Nefig, the people,soon to be the first citizens of Nefig,were growing impateint with the gaints, not that they could do anything,sent the their strongest knighta man named Sir Rarlenlot to try an make a pact with the gaintsbut the only thing they got was a new knight to replace Sir Rarlenlot for he was killed. The torture continued on for years but then one day thepeople heard not the constant hollering of the gaints, they waited for days put heard not a peep from the gaints, so the men of theland went to investigate and to their relief and astonishments where the gaints camp had been seedlings grew, the seedinglings of these very trees and from that piont on these trees were known as the Gaints of Nefig because people believe the gaints were turned into trees and no one comes here because they think if the trees are messed with the gaints will return"Amora finished and plucked a flower from a patch of grass, twirling iut around her finger she picked another flower and twined it together then slid into her arm,"It's not like I believe it anyway, that's why I am the only one who comes to this place".(this is a part in my novel when Amora ,the main character, is showing Terran , also a main character ,around the castle and takes him to see the gaints of Nefig)(This book is in the time period of the medevil days, it's a fanasty )

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Darkkin
Posts: 2,224
Registered: ‎08-15-2009
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Re: this is a paragraph from a story I am writing , tell me what you think!(please no crusing, than

Punctuation and spacing...Be kind to the eyes of your readers.  With everything smashed together, it looks like a massive run on paragraph.  Also, if this a piece of a legend being told by a main character, maybe try putting the story portion in italics.  The concept does have a bit of promise, but in its current incarnation, the run on sentences and odd spacings make it hard to read.  Keep working on it.

 

- Darkkin, the Tedious

'Of wings and words and dancing milkweed seeds...'

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AMORA
Posts: 7
Registered: ‎05-25-2012
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Re: this is a paragraph from a story I am writing , tell me what you think!(please no crusing, than

Although not the reveiw i was hoping for I apreciate you're review, any comments will help me to become a better writer.Thanks much Darkkin.

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Kat-NE
Posts: 1,349
Registered: ‎04-22-2009
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Re: this is a paragraph from a story I am writing , tell me what you think!(please no crusing, than

First, welcome to the board.

 

Second, I'm going to say "ditto" to what Darkkin said about punctuation and the sentence structure (long sentences make my eyes and brain hurt), but am also going to make a suggestion (don't worry about listening to me, no one else does :smileyvery-happy:):

 

I'm not really sure where this paragraph is going to be placed in your story, but there is a lot of information coming out all at once. Having only seen this bit of story, I can't really tell where it's going and would never say you should do it a certain way, but I would say that maybe the information given could be spread out in the story. As a reader, you don't really need all the info at once, really just enough to make you interested in continuing and make you more interested in the character(s). If possible, I always say spread it out.

 

If I remember right (sorry, don't have your story up so I can confirm) the character is explaining things to someone else. Maybe a little more showing (like character detail, reations, descriptions, etc.) than telling, because without the connection to the character, those details don't really have the same affect. And quotations to show the dialogue.

 

I probably went on too long, but I wanted to explain what I thought. I hope you continue with this story and understand that writing will only get better with growth and practice (and those who nag you about it, of course) and that we will see more of it on here. And yes, I do like parentheses :smileytongue:.

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AMORA
Posts: 7
Registered: ‎05-25-2012
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Re: this is a paragraph from a story I am writing , tell me what you think!(please no crusing, than

Sorry it took so long to write back but thanks much Kat-Ne for your review. i hope to write some more soon.